Dearest Readers,
One of the biggest challenges I have faced on the Healing Path has been embracing the role of the Chooser. This is partially related to the fear of making a decision, which I blogged about the other day but there’s slightly more to it than that.
The expression “Be the Chooser” was first presented to me a couple of years ago when I was negotiating the tricky waters of a new relationship. My old way of thinking was telling me I had to wait for the other person to tell me where we stood. “Be the Chooser,” my friend said to me. “You decide where you stand. You say what you need.”
It sounds simple but it felt like a radical concept. You mean I get to say, “This isn’t working for me and here’s why?”
I find myself in a similar situation today (although the nature of the relationship is business) and, again, my (fear-based) instinct is to let the colleague have the floor. Open the conversation with, “So how do you think this is going so far? Is this working for you?”
The problem is, if the person I’m asking is afraid to tell the truth, which, in this case, would probably sound something like, “No, this is not working for me,” then nothing is going to change. And as the ol’ saying goes, “If nothing changes, nothing changes.”
I go back to waiting around for something to happen. Fear wins.
If I decide to Be the Chooser everybody wins. All I have to do is take a deep breath, ask for Courage and say, “This isn’t working for me and here’s why. These are my needs. If you can’t meet them we need to part company.”
All together now: Scary.
Scary but effective. My needs get met, the colleague is given an easy out and Bob’s your uncle.
All together now: Still scary!
When I took the leap of Being the Chooser a couple of years ago with the person I was dating I thought I was going to vomit. It was so unfamiliar, so uncomfortable. But it also turned out to be incredibly rewarding. I did get my needs met. Sadly, the relationship also ended and that was painful but you know what? The pain was worth the sense of empowerment I gained by Being the Chooser.
In a short time I’m going to take that deep breath, ask for Courage and have the crucial conversation with the business colleague. The outcome really depends upon my willingness to state my needs and make the choice to close the door because it ain’t working.
Barf bag is nearby but I don’t think I’ll need it. That’s the great thing about walking through the fear. It gets easier every time.
Inspiring Message of the Day: Am I in a situation where I am waiting for something to go wrong or for someone else to say, “This isn’t working,” so that I don’t have to take the action myself? If so, today I will Be the Chooser. I will state my needs and become willing to let go absolutely.
