Dearest Readers,
Something excellent has happened. I’ve made a decision. (Sound of trumpets, fanfare and general exultant cheering.) Hallelujah.
The making of this particular decision has been a vastly interesting journey. Far too long a story to post here but now that I’ve made it the relief is great. And the fear is big. “OMG, now I have to do it.”
To do “it”, in this case, is to both direct and act in Last Stop for Miles, the feature film I have in development. Crazy, possibly. My destiny, most certain.
It’s been 16 years since I first wrote the play by the same name, 8 years since I took a crack at the first draft of the screenplay, 4 years since my sister and I shot the short film in Whitehorse, 3 years since it had its premiere and a number of subsequent festival screenings, and five months since I was awarded Development Funding from Telefilm Canada, which newly opened wide the doors to production.
It has always been my vision to direct and act in my work. I don’t know why. I only know it is a part of who I am. We are a strange species, the self-director. There aren’t many of us. And we are criticized and analysed and generally thought to be egomaniacal control freaks. But we just are what we are.
Oh, I’ve been willing to change, let go and be directed. I’ve been willing to let the vision die completely for the sake of the film. I finally abandoned the idea and listened to all the sage advice (“Don’t do it, you’re insane.”) because it seemed like the right thing; the wisest thing.
But no. The vision will not die. It has kept returning, ever so gently, prodding around inside my cells. This you must do. And so, I now believe, to direct and act this film is no less than the Arching Rainbow of Destiny. (In the understated words of my filmmaking mentor.)
The clincher came a couple of weeks ago. I heard from a friend that a woman I’d met with, a potential producing partner, found my lack of conviction with regard to the film “wishy-washy.” I’d told her the story of wanting to act and direct and my subsequent letting go of the idea. Apparently I’d capped the story by saying, “So I guess I’ll just direct it.” She found this off-putting.
Where was my conviction? Lost in fear. Everyone was warning me against the idea and they must be right. I must be wrong. So I listened. I became willing to let go. “I am amenable, flexible, soft.”
This is a good affirmation for me. It’s important for me to practice letting go because I do tend toward egomaniacal controlling behaviour. But in retrospect I now see that I had to listen to the warnings, give the vision up, say to good-bye to it. I had to in order for it to come back, quietly, then loudly and clearly through the critical voice of another.
Because now I know. Now there is no doubt. Now I have conviction.
Hallelujah.
Inspiring Message of the Day: What is that expression? If you love something, set it free. If it loves you it will come back? How about, if you can’t make a decision, let it go. The answer will be revealed when you are ready to receive it.
