• Joy

    • September 28, 2011 9:44 am

    Dearest Readers,

    I often blog when I am struggling and need to reach out, to connect, to remind myself that I am not alone. I don’t often post when things are going swimmingly and I am living a life I love and cultivating joy.

    Currently, I am in such a place. It is wonderful when the inner work pays off and we get to experience the absolute glory of being alive.

    Thank you all for being a part of this journey. I send you love and encouragement to keep moving forward with Guidance.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: When I do the deep work of cultivating courage and when I put my healing first I will be rewarded with experiences of true Peace and Love.

    Love the One You’re With

    • August 22, 2011 9:32 am

    Dearest Readers,

    How much time do you spend wishing someone you love would change? Just a little bit. Or a lot. If he/she would only do this differently or do things the way I do them. He/she would be so much better that way! Or so much better off. Wouldn’t they? According to me they would. Because I know best. I know what he/she needs to do.

    For most of my life I’ve lived with this Voice of Judgment in my head. It’s been a long haul to rid myself of it and still it comes back, like an old friend (or a bad rash), trying to drive the bus of my life, trying to dictate my relationships with others.

    What I know from past experience is that this particular part of me gets fired up not because I’m an unkind and judgmental person but because I am feeling unsafe or vulnerable in some way. This part of me has been my protector, my defense against intimacy, my excuse to remain an outsider, different and therefore superior.

    So I usually need some self-care first. Send reassurance to this part of myself. Take gentle and kind actions. Self-love and self-forgiveness are in order. And then I need to remember that just as I am not perfect neither is anyone else. And as I walk this Healing Path and gain the kind of humility required to own and accept my humanity I start to become a part of my fellow humans rather than apart from.

    A friend of mine is currently struggling with a situation and my temptation is to tell this person what to do. Because I know what’s best, see? I know the answer and this person should do what I think is right. Right? Wrong. So how do I deal with this? What do I do with the temptation to control, to judge, to dictate?

    A quote by Thomas Merton, a great writer and a monk of the last century, has been my steadfast guide:

    “The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we see in them.”

    Isn’t that beautiful? And juste. I just love it. It’s been so helpful to me. Let someone be exactly who he is. Let her be herself. If I try to change him to fit me that means I’ll only love him when he becomes more like I am! Ridiculous. And so true.

    This doesn’t mean that I can’t make helpful suggestions to her if she is struggling. I can offer him support and encouragement. I can provide her with experience, strength and hope. I can respond to him with compassion while pointing out alternative routes. But I cannot do any of this if my motivation is to “twist” or control or change. It’s not my job.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: My job as a friend is to let my friends and loved ones be exactly who they are. I will trust that the path each person is on is exactly the right path and I will let Higher Guidance do the steering.

    Take me Higher

    • February 2, 2011 9:24 am

    Dearest Readers,

    Presently I am in Vancouver attending the PuSh Assembly on behalf of Sour Brides Theatre. Last night was the opening of the Assembly and the keynote was an artistic “manifesto” delivered by a performance artist named Julie Andrée T.

    This young woman walked on stage with a bottle of wine and a glass and said, “I’m super scared,” and told us she was using the wine to help her deal with her fear. The bottle had been half drunk already.

    Over the course of an hour she spoke to us occasionally, read to us from her laptop, played back recordings of manifestos by other artists she admires and made mournful sounds on a viola that rested on her lap. Slides of her naked and manipulated body in various compromising positions were projected behind her.

    I am an artist and I have learned how to appreciate the work of other artists even if I do not “get” the work. Every artist is expressing his/her creative Self the only way he/she knows how. Some of us are stranger than others. Performance art is not easy to “get”. It doesn’t make sense to most of us the way a painting or a narrative play does. It challenges everything we know about our relationship to art and to one another. It takes us out of our comfort zones.

    Probably a good thing, right? I suppose. Yes. In fact, emphatic yes. On the other hand, I’ve reached a point in my life where I am in need of art that inspires, uplifts, and transcends the darkness. I desperately need Light. I really do. I didn’t use to. All of my earliest plays are dark and full of despair.

    Julie Andrée T. said, “I like the dark side. It inspires me.” Fair enough. I was the same. I still write about the pain and the grief. But now I offer healing and hope because I am healing and I have gained hope. So this is my process.

    And this is why not only do I offer it to the audience but I seek it as well. I look for healing and hope in films. I look for it in leaders and mentors and other artists. I need to have my experience validated and I need to continue believing in transformation. It is what helps me to keep going, to give back, to feel joy and thankfulness in a challenging world.

    I have a ticket to Rouge tomorrow night, Julie Andrée T.’s performance piece here at the festival. I’ve decided not to go. I do respect this woman. But I think I’ve seen enough.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: Today I will seek the kinds of experiences which uplift me and validate my healing work. I will continue to choose things that bring me to the Light.

    Five…

    • September 16, 2010 10:58 am

    Dearest Readers,

    Lately I’ve been encountering this idea of “the authentic self” in a number of situations and it’s got me thinking. What is it exactly? What does it really mean?

    The dictionary on this computer defines “authentic” as something “of undisputed origin; genuine.” Well, our origin is not undisputed that’s for sure. Whether you’re a creationist or a big bang theorist the subject can be argued ad infinitum. So what about “genuine”? How do we know if we are such a thing?

    Most of my life was spent trying to fit in. I desperately wanted you to like me and so I became a master chameleon. I was equally at ease at a cocktail party or a biker bash. Well, maybe at ease is pushing it. Let’s say I was performing a character as best as I could in order to feel accepted.

    When I hit my late-twenties I realized I didn’t really have any idea who I was. I had become a sort of invented persona, one of my own making, and I felt very, very lost. The last decade-plus has been about finding out who I am. Learning how to be genuine. Discovering the authenticity of my True Self.

    One of the most difficult parts of becoming who we really are is letting go of how we want other people to see us. That desire to be liked creates the People Pleaser and though the title might sound harmless, even noble, it really is anything but. The PP strips us of dignity. As we perform tasks to make other people love us we erode our own self-confidence. We become ghosts of who we really are.

    So after 10+ years on the Healing Path am I any closer to knowing my “authentic self”? What do I really know about who I am today? Well, I know I believe in a Loving Power that exists Back of All Things. I also know that that belief can falter. I know I feel of maximum use when I am helping others negotiate their way through their own healing journeys. And I know that sometimes I don’t feel equipped to do this kind of work.

    Some days I am certain. Others I am confused. Most often I am faithful. More often I am fearful.

    Conclusion: I am human. So human. So very, very human.

    The other day I blogged about seeing the Earth from far above and connecting to the idea that we are One Single Organism. And I so believe that this Oneness is truly the Essence of all that Is. So my authentic self is not only human, it is Divine as well.

    The human experience, the path toward truly understanding the Authentic Self, is the journey of walking in balance with these two parts of ourselves. Some days the balance is very good, other days not so much. But always, always, the Essence is there, simply there, awaiting our return.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: Today I will find my way back to Authenticity. I will seek the Divine Essence of who I am and land there, settle in and make a home.

    Let Sleeping Dogs Lie (Briefly)

    • July 29, 2010 8:40 am

    Dearest Readers,

    These are the Dog Days of summer. According to Wikipedia, “Dog Days… are the hottest, most sultry days of summer… Dog Days can also define a time period or event that is very hot or stagnant, or marked by dull lack of progress.”

    A dull lack of progress. I’m doing my very best to work against this very thing. I’ve been in Montreal for 3 weeks for the birth of my sister’s first child and I’m surrounded by a bunch of family members all on their vacation time. This means a lot of visiting and a lot of relaxing.

    Relaxing is good. I need relaxation. But you know the expression about too much of a good thing. An excess of anything can be harmful. Even down time.

    When I have too much time on my hands I get lazy. And laziness is not relaxation. Laziness is lethargy and lethargy is a lack of energy and enthusiasm.

    When I am leaning too much toward lethargy I’m heading for trouble. Low energy for me tips the scales and I start tending toward negativity and despair. It is absolutely vital that I monitor the amount of “vacation” time I take. Because if I’m not careful I end up taking a vacation from my spiritual well-being.

    So each day I’ve been seeking a balance between hanging out with my family and allowing myself to enjoy leisure time and being vigilant about doing the things that keep my energy flowing. I need to keep up the yoga practice, I need to keep up the business side of things, I need to give service.

    Years ago when I was still figuring all of this out, I rented 3 movies and watched them all in a row. When they were all done I felt like a giant numb blob of poo. The next day I felt like I’d gotten drunk the night before. I had an emotional hangover, which, I learned, comes from too much stimulation (be it from mindless entertainment or acting out in other seemingly harmless yet addictive ways).

    Discovering what works (one movie, once a week) is a process of trial and error. We don’t know what we really need until we give ourselves too much of what we don’t. Even if we’re doing the bare minimum action-wise to stay afloat we will manage to rise above the negative thinking and stay out of the pit.

    Despite the threat of falling backward I’m using all the tools of the Healing Path to continue moving forward. As a result, my body is limber from the yoga asanas, the business is continuing to grow, and I am given the gift of Gratitude from the service work.

    Bark! Bark!

    Inspiring Message of the Day: I will continue to find the balance in my life between relaxation and taking action. I will find what works for me and commit to this practice one day and one task at a time.

    Be of Use

    • July 10, 2010 6:00 am

    Dearest Readers,

    There’s nothing like helping another person to build one’s sense of self-worth and usefulness. When all else fails, being of service to someone else will inevitably bring success.

    Last night I was at a gathering and as soon as I got there I regretted going. I was uncomfortable and felt I didn’t belong. What the heck am I doing here?

    Experience tells me that there’s a reason. I could easily have left. But I trusted that if I stayed I would find out why I’d gone there in the first place. And I did.

    But first I needed to become willing to be of use. Instead of “what am I doing here”, which is all about Celia, I changed the question. How can I be of use?

    I ended up speaking with a young woman who was struggling with some life issues. She was on the edge of something, experiencing high anxiety, and trusted me enough to share her story. I was able to be a listener and a supporter, giving her the reassurance and validation she needed in that moment.

    We parted ways. Her energy had totally shifted. And so had mine.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: The more I am healed, the more I am able to help others experience healing. When I find myself back in a self-centered place I will remember that being of use will bring me Freedom and Purpose.

    Day 31 – NYC

    • July 7, 2010 11:10 am

    Dearest Readers,

    Sometimes it’s a pleasure to experience the Healing Path in action, to see how much we’ve changed and witness the devoted work we’ve been doing on ourselves paying off. I got that chance yesterday.

    On an escalator going up (how’s that for a metaphor) a man began to speak to me. His clothes were dirty and, like a snail, he seemed to be carrying all he owned in the world along with him.

    Probably because I gave him a great, big, fearless smile he was soon flirting with me and jokingly saying he was coming with me wherever I happened to be going. He was acting as if he’d just fallen in love.

    Not long ago I would have taken my great big smile back and closed my heart, shutting the door on his advances to protect myself from something “bad” happening. I would have turned cold and made that man re-think his behaviour. I would have allowed shame to rule the situation.

    Not anymore.

    What I have learned is that no one can take away my power unless I willingly give it to them. That man could have made me feel small and vulnerable had I let him. Repeat: had I let him.

    How about I don’t let him? How about I stay open and laugh right along with him? How about I hold my power and stand firm in it? How about continuing to smile that fearless smile?

    Now I’m not suggesting leaving ourselves open to harm. Those of you who read the blog I posted last week about purposefully avoiding a potentially abusive situation know that empowering ourselves also means protecting ourselves. But if the situation is harmless and our safety is assured, a fearless smile and an unguarded attitude makes the world a better place.

    That man and I parted ways, smiling fearlessly and laughing joyfully. We’d reached the top together.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: I will open my heart and embrace my fellow human. I will smile fearlessly and welcome the harmless stranger. I will hold my Power while performing these actions knowing that no one can take It from me unless I give it away.

    Day Four

    • June 10, 2010 6:39 am

    Dearest Readers,

    One of the greatest things I’ve heard said about being on the Healing Path and leaving our Old BS (belief systems) behind is that “we don’t go back to them as often, we don’t stay in them as long and we get out of them sooner.”

    Learning this was a huge help for me, the recovering perfectionist, because it meant I didn’t ever have to graduate to being fixed. It meant that I would get better (and I have) but I could still screw up.

    I got lost yesterday. One would think that with an iPhone (complete with a Google Map App) and a built in compass in the vehicle that losing one’s way would not be possible but oh, yes. It is and it was.

    Somehow I passed the road I was supposed to take and after narrowly missing the on-ramp to the highway I pulled off and began driving in the (sort-of) right direction. I found a place to pull over and got out the iPhone to find my way once again.

    No service.

    Whaaat? Am I suddenly in Siberia? Does this one particular section of Ottawa not have a cell phone tower? No answer would satisfy. No shirt, no service, kid.

    A gas station up ahead! I could go there and ask for help. At least I’ve learned that much.

    There, a very helpful guy told me where I needed to go. He was having trouble talking because he’d been up since four a.m. (it was now 1:30 p.m.) but he was a real cutie and totally willing to help me. I almost asked him for his number. Kidding. Sort of.

    So I followed his directions (I had actually listened to them — I’ve asked for directions before and then not listened — good mule that I am) and eventually found myself on the street that he mentioned. Uh-oh. New problem: even though I’d listened I still wasn’t completely clear about where to go next.

    This is where the old behaviour came back. I actually started to whine. Whimper, too. Oh, and bang my hands against the steering wheel while swearing profusely. I was now late for the meeting I’d set up. Things were not going my way. Solution? Act like a two-year old.

    I’m glad to say that within that childish moaning was embedded a prayer. Okay, more like begging but “help me” was thrown in amongst the curses. Then I remembered something: Trust. Everything is happening as it should. It’s all okay.

    A woman appeared pushing a stroller. I rolled down the window and stopped the vehicle. I did not introduce my two-year old to hers. I was calm, collected, and kind. A better actress you’ve never seen. But it was right to be polite. And she was sweet as honey, giving me the final directions to the place I was going not 4 minutes away.

    Seven minutes late. Totally no big deal. Fantastic meeting. Why the sh#% fit? Pride. What would the man I was meeting think of me? Yes, that little worry is enough for a big ego to take the wheel, literally.

    So it all worked out, of course. I didn’t need to lose my sh%#. But I did and so be it. Not perfect yet. But I haven’t been two in a while. I didn’t stay two for long. And I managed to turn 38 again PDQ.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: No service? On the contrary. The Human Being is the ultimate Map App.