• Stay in the Game

    • May 25, 2010 11:27 am

    Dearest Readers,

    “I am dry, dry, dry.”

    This quote, from a scene I co-wrote with a girlfriend way back when I was in theatre school, keeps running through my head as I sit here searching for inspiration. Nothing is coming but that refrain.

    “I am dry, dry, dry.”

    The scene came out of an exercise in writing class. We got into pairs and started improvising dialogue. The gal I was paired with was a good friend. We immediately took on characters with Southern accents. Suddenly she was Delores and I was Sugar.

    Delores: There ain’t nobody in my life. I am dry. Dry.Dry.

    Sugar: That’s just an excuse.

    Delores: Honey, I’m talking in facts. It’s that simple. I’m all dried up. Dry as a bone and there ain’t no well in sight.

    Okay, my memory isn’t that good. I had to go and find the scene in my files. The pages are a little yellow at the edges and the ink is fading from the passage of time but those gals are still talkin’. It’s been sixteen years.

    What’s a writer to do when she’s dry as a bone with no well in sight? What has she to offer?

    Let’s try a little bit more Sugar…

    Sugar: You know what I used to do when I was younger? I’d open up the cupboard and inside we had one of them spinnin’ shelves you know like a… Lazy Susan? And I used to spin it around like I was spinnin’ for that big orange dollar on The Price is Right. If it stopped facin’ the way it started I felt like I’d won the big prize.

    From here Delores and Sugar go on to talk about aging.

    Delores: Don’t you wish you could hide it? I mean honestly.

    Sugar: No, I don’t. I was taught to be proud of growin’ old. It don’t scare me none.

    Delores: Not even a tiny eeny weeny bitty bit?

    Sugar: Lookin’ old just don’t come into it for me. And you won’t see me at Johnson’s Drug Store lookin’ for a miracle cure to make me look the age I was when I was the most messed up.

    Delores: You won’t see me there either. It doesn’t mean I don’t feel the effects. The fear. I mean, I’m strong. I’m not gonna buy into no market thing. I buy that growin’ old with dignity shit, too. But it don’t mean it don’t scare me though.

    Sugar: You’re right. You’re much better at admittin’ yer fears than I am, Delores.

    Delores: I’ve just had three more beers than you, honey.

    It’s funny for me to read this now. Even way back then the characters I created had trouble admitting they were afraid. To see how far I’ve come in this area you can listen to a new speech on facing fear that I just posted on YouTube. Make sure to watch Part Two as well.

    Hurrah! The dry well has water in it. Sometimes we just have to dig a little deeper to get at it.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: When I am feeling uninspired I will stay in the game, I will keep moving forward, I will trust that inspiration will come. One more step, one more sentence, one more moment may just bring me to the flowing spring.

    Victorious

    • May 24, 2010 10:43 am

    Dearest Readers,

    It is Victoria Day today in Canada. Shops and banks are closed but the campgrounds are officially back open for the summer tourist season. The streets are quiet and that holiday feeling hangs in the air. I am tempted to go back to bed. Perhaps I will but before I do (or don’t) I’d like to to look at why we take this day off.

    Victoria Day weekend is often called May Two-Four weekend because it always falls on the weekend closest to May 24th, Victoria’s birthday. It is also called May 2-4 because it is a big drinking weekend and a case of beer is AKA “the 2-4”.

    Partying aside, this day is tied to history. Or perhaps I should say herstory. Whatever you think of the British monarchy, this woman was sure somethin’.

    Here are a few facts about Queen Victoria (all from Wikipedia) that I find particularly inspiring:

    • Victoria’s reign as the Queen lasted 63 years and 7 months, longer than that of any other British monarch before or since, and her reign is the longest of any female monarch in history.
    • During Victoria’s reign the expansion of the British Empire reached its zenith and became the foremost global power of the time.
    • By arranging marriages for her 9 children and 42 grandchildren across the continent, she effectively managed to tie Europe together.

    These are formidable facts considering Victoria was a mere girl of eighteen when she ascended to the throne. Talk about walking through your fear!

    I’ve never really paid attention to the woman behind the long weekend before. Today I feel rather in awe of Queen Victoria and her accomplishments and I think we ought to add one more item to her list: she gives millions of people a day off work every single year without any real acknowledgement.

    Thanks, Vic!

    Inspiring Message of the Day: Imagine being 18 years old and asked to rule a country and its people. What kind of courage would that take? What kind of faith? Today I will walk through my own fears knowing that others have done so in far greater ways than I can even fathom.

    Mountain Moves

    • May 22, 2010 10:31 am

    Dearest Readers,

    It probably sounds weird for a self-employed person to say, “I took the afternoon off,” because one imagines that the lifestyle of the self-employed is pretty much “off” to begin with. Kind of like being retired. Our time is our own. Freedom from the punch-card etc. Not entirely so.

    It is still possible to be a self-employed workaholic. I’ve had to learn to take time off, to stop working late until in the evenings, to turn off the computer on Sundays. And these have all been good lessons. Discovering relaxation and rest and coming to believe I deserve these things have all been the rewards of this big change in my life.

    At the beginning of this past week I received an email invitation to go for a hike with a some great gals. I skimmed the message and then ignored it, knowing I simply couldn’t take the time.

    Yesterday, the day the hike was to take place, I taught a yoga class in the morning and a couple of the students also happened to be the hikers. I asked about the hike before starting the class remembering that they would be going out some time that day. I still thought, “Too bad I can’t take the time.”

    At the end of the class, while lying in savasana, I heard the Still Small Voice. It took a while for me to hear it but it soon became clear.

    Go to the mountain.

    At the end of the class I asked them if the invitation still stood. Of course it did. They were delighted I’d be joining them. I felt liberated! I packed a lunch and off we went.

    Halfway up the mountain road I spotted a Mama Grizzly and her cub. Right away I knew I was exactly where I was supposed to be. Bears and me, well, we have a history. They have a way of showing up in my life and I take their presence as the Higher Power giving me a little wave. “Hi, Celia. I’m here. Glad you’re paying attention.”

    It was a marvelous afternoon. The sun shone through the clouds and the vistas from the ridge were out of this world. At the summit, we baked on the rocks and enjoyed each other’s company. I said, “Is there anything better than this?” One gal replied, “Not really.” And we laughed and laughed. Not so much because it was funny but because it was true.

    So I took the afternoon off. Nothing bad happened. The world didn’t end. In fact, it continued on just as it always has and always will. I only think I have to work hard. I only think there’s no time. Time to stop thinking so much. Time to follow the Great Bear Way.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: Today I will take the time to get quiet and listen for Guidance. There may be something I need to hear. Something like a Gift.

    Good For You

    • May 21, 2010 9:48 am

    Dearest Readers,

    If you read yesterday’s blog you’ll know that I spent some of the morning having one of those crucial conversations that requires great courage. It wasn’t easy and it wasn’t comfortable but I did it and feel good about the outcome.

    About ten years ago I read a book called Living in the Light by Shakti Gawain. It was probably the first “personal growth” book I’d ever read and it had a profound impact on my life. Shakti talks a lot about Energy and how it works and how we can work with It. She’s very practical and down-to-earth and her ideas and practice resonate with me to this day.

    One of the things I remember from Shakti’s book is the idea that if I am doing something for my Highest Good it will then be for the Highest Good of all concerned. At the time, my people-pleasing skills were at their peak and my sense of Self was at its lowest. This idea was almost too radical to comprehend.

    Essentially, this new way of thinking meant I no longer had to make decisions and choices based on what I thought was best for other people. If I chose the path of my Highest Good, everyone else would be taken care of and I did not have to worry.

    I did, however, have to do a great deal of letting go. I had to learn how to trust and I had to learn how to keep an open mind about what “Highest Good” could mean.

    For example, I was caring for two small children at the time. The job was suffocating me. I knew quitting would be the most direct path to my Highest Good but I would be leaving their mother in the lurch. She needed me. How would abandoning my post be for her Highest Good?

    Guess what? Not my department. So this is where the Trust comes in. If I try to figure that part out I’m playing God. I will never take the leap. I’ll stay put because I can’t see the outcome and therefore can’t let go.

    Admittedly, it helps me to at least try to figure it out. “Maybe if I quit the mother will realize she needs to stay home and spend more time with her kids. Or the out-of-work nanny who is desperate for a job gets hired in my place. Or the the kids jump for joy because the bossy, cranky babysitter is gone.” If I can’t know what everyone else’s Highest Good is it still feels okay to do a little bit of guess work for reassurance.

    So when I ended that professional relationship yesterday I relied on this new way of thinking to get me through. “I’m doing this for my Highest Good. I cannot see the outcome but I trust that it will be for the Highest Good of all concerned.” It made the task much more palatable and I felt supported and calm.

    Of course, the people-pleaser balks. Cruel! Heartless! Selfish! But the people-pleaser is a controlling, fearful, worry-wart and she must be given another job. She is no longer allowed to make decisions. She is allowed to observe and learn and watch for opportunities to be of service. That’s it.

    Thank-you, Shakti!

    Inspiring Message of the Day: Today I will do my best to trust that the Energy of the Universe is benevolent. When something seems difficult or challenging I will trust that there exists behind it a Positive Outcome I cannot yet see.

    Choo-Choose

    • May 20, 2010 8:49 am

    Dearest Readers,

    One of the biggest challenges I have faced on the Healing Path has been embracing the role of the Chooser. This is partially related to the fear of making a decision, which I blogged about the other day but there’s slightly more to it than that.

    The expression “Be the Chooser” was first presented to me a couple of years ago when I was negotiating the tricky waters of a new relationship. My old way of thinking was telling me I had to wait for the other person to tell me where we stood. “Be the Chooser,” my friend said to me. “You decide where you stand. You say what you need.”

    It sounds simple but it felt like a radical concept. You mean I get to say, “This isn’t working for me and here’s why?”

    I find myself in a similar situation today (although the nature of the relationship is business) and, again, my (fear-based) instinct is to let the colleague have the floor. Open the conversation with, “So how do you think this is going so far? Is this working for you?”

    The problem is, if the person I’m asking is afraid to tell the truth, which, in this case, would probably sound something like, “No, this is not working for me,” then nothing is going to change. And as the ol’ saying goes, “If nothing changes, nothing changes.”

    I go back to waiting around for something to happen. Fear wins.

    If I decide to Be the Chooser everybody wins. All I have to do is take a deep breath, ask for Courage and say, “This isn’t working for me and here’s why. These are my needs. If you can’t meet them we need to part company.”

    All together now: Scary.

    Scary but effective. My needs get met, the colleague is given an easy out and Bob’s your uncle.

    All together now: Still scary!

    When I took the leap of Being the Chooser a couple of years ago with the person I was dating I thought I was going to vomit. It was so unfamiliar, so uncomfortable. But it also turned out to be incredibly rewarding. I did get my needs met. Sadly, the relationship also ended and that was painful but you know what? The pain was worth the sense of empowerment I gained by Being the Chooser.

    In a short time I’m going to take that deep breath, ask for Courage and have the crucial conversation with the business colleague. The outcome really depends upon my willingness to state my needs and make the choice to close the door because it ain’t working.

    Barf bag is nearby but I don’t think I’ll need it. That’s the great thing about walking through the fear. It gets easier every time.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: Am I in a situation where I am waiting for something to go wrong or for someone else to say, “This isn’t working,” so that I don’t have to take the action myself? If so, today I will Be the Chooser. I will state my needs and become willing to let go absolutely.

    Well Well

    • May 19, 2010 9:49 am

    Dearest Readers,

    T’is a miserable day, t’ank Gahd.

    When I lived in Ireland I would hear this expression, and others like it, often. The pious Irish will thank God for anything, even the dreariest of days. Well, it’s pretty dreary out there right now but you know what? We desperately need the rain.

    After heading out into the rain this morning to attend the Toastmasters meeting, I was paid a wonderful compliment by a man who said to me, “You’re looking very well.” This is a fine thing to hear at 8 o’clock in the morning but it went over in a particularly favourable way because I feel very well.

    Yesterday, however, and the day before, I was not feeling so hot. I was dealing with some creeping anxiety about the future and so I answered him by saying, “Thank you. I just made my way back to wellness after a couple of days of not-doing-so-well.”

    “Well,” this man replied, “Wellness is relative, isn’t it? Your state of not-so-well-being is likely very different from someone else’s.” He then gave an example of a person he is working with who is overweight and riddled with illness. My “unwellness”, some low-grade anxiety about heading on a two-month adventure across Canada and the US, when compared with the health of his client, suddenly seemed relatively minor.

    Now I’m not a big believer in comparing pain and troubles. My difficulties are just as valid as your difficulties, however different they may be. But this man’s comment did help to put things in their proper perspective for me. It was a good reminder to be grateful.

    How easy it is to forget what we have, how far we’ve come, how well we’re doing. Even if we’re not doing as well as we would like we still have the opportunity to put things in perspective by using the “it’s all relative” tool.

    This brings to mind the idea of a gratitude list. When things seem less-than-perfect we can ask ourselves, “What do I have to be grateful for?” Instead of obsessing about how my trip is going to turn out I can be thankful that I get to go on a trip in the first place.

    It’s a simple but effective way of turning the not-so-well into the well. T’ank Gahd.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: How can I turn my focus from the negative to the positive? Am I willing to be grateful for what I do have rather than what I do not? Today I will practice putting things into perspective by looking at all that is right in my life rather than what is wrong.

    To Be Or…

    • May 18, 2010 9:20 am

    Dearest Readers,

    One of the things I have a hugely difficult time doing is making decisions. Big or small, it doesn’t matter. I once stood in the linen section of the Superstore for what seemed like hours trying to decide what sheets to buy. It took me a whole year to buy a truck.

    When I do the deeper investigation into what’s behind my indecisiveness I discover, of course, fear. In this particular case, it is the fear of making a mistake.

    Making the wrong decision would lead to all kinds of bad consequences. This is what the fear tells me. But is this really true? Of course not.

    A few years ago I went on Silent Retreat and during that time was given the opportunity to work with a Spiritual Director. I had a big decision to make and I was struggling with it. This wonderful woman (who is my SD to this day) said, “Why don’t we talk through each option and see what the outcome is for both?”

    So we did that. I imagined “going left” and talked through that scenario until I came to some kind of conclusion and then I did the same for “going right.” What I discovered is that both options had consequences and rewards. Both options would bring challenges and gifts. This was a revelation.

    Knowing I couldn’t make a mistake, that either decision would be a learning experience, it then became a matter of deciding which consequences I was willing to live with. I still had to make a decision but I had more information and clarity with which to decide.

    Today, it can still take me ages to make a decision and I readily admit that there is that old fear wrapped up in my hesitation. But there is also a commitment to clarity inside my waiting. If my Intuition isn’t speaking loudly enough for me to hear it or if the options are too many or the situation too vague, I wait.

    This can be very inconvenient, especially if there are other people involved in the outcome. But this commitment to clarity assuages that old fear. It means I get to feel sure, safe and connected. This is important. These are my needs and I deserve to have them met.

    On the other hand, if I cannot make a mistake because either way I’m going to learn something, then “Make a decision already!” would be a perfectly appropriate thing to shout at me next time you see me standing for hours in an aisle at the Superstore.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: Despite my fear, today I am going to make a concrete decision about something. Big or small, I will decide and I will trust that the consequences and rewards of my decision are teaching tools from which I may learn.

    Bored is Boring

    • May 17, 2010 8:52 am

    Dearest Readers,

    The buds have burst and there is new green everywhere. The grey, brown and dark green landscape has been totally transformed. I keep looking outside and seeing these splashes of brightness made by the new growth and it’s thrilling. Spring is never boring in the Yukon.

    Speaking of boring, the other day I heard a guy say he was bored with life. “Every day the same thing, work, TV at night, go to the pool, big deal.” It was interesting to hear this perspective. It is so radically different from my own.

    In fact, I cannot actually remember the last time I was bored. What does it mean to be bored anyway? Let’s look it up. The dictionary on this computer describes it this way: “feeling weary because one is unoccupied or lacks interest in one’s current activity.”

    Ah. That is why I cannot remember what it means. I am constantly occupied and I do my best to take part in activities that interest me. Even when I am unoccupied I am not bored. Why? Because being alive is an ever-unfolding adventure of Mystery and Grace.

    There was a time in my life when I did not feel this way. I certainly knew boredom then. I knew depression, anger, restlessness, discontent. I was interested in very little except chasing the party and getting my own selfish needs met. Life seemed more like a slog to get through than an adventure.

    Thank goodness I woke up. Or, more aptly, I was woken up. I had what one might call a Spiritual Awakening. I came to believe that there was a Greater Purpose to my life (and to yours) and that together we are here to fulfill that Purpose, both individually and collectively. Once I got that, boredom has never, ever been an issue.

    Besides, how can one possibly be bored when she is surrounded by bursts and splashes of bright, new green?

    Inspiring Message of the Day: What is my Purpose? Do I even feel I have one? I will ask my Self this question and I will listen for the answer. Knowing this will ensure a life of satisfying and exciting adventure.

    Rumi Has It

    • May 15, 2010 10:36 am

    Dearest Readers,

    Rumi follows me around. Do you know Rumi? He was a 13th C Sufi mystic and a great poet of Love. The amazing thing about mystics is they do that. They follow us around.

    I don’t remember the first time I heard of Rumi but I remember at some point realizing that his words were being revealed to me in very particular circumstances most often when I needed to hear them the most.

    One time I was wrestling with whether I ought to leave the Yukon or stay here. A friend with whom I was speaking about this struggle decided a poem was in order. She pulled out her book of Rumi, picked one at random and began, “There is no need to go outside…”

    Hold on a sec. Outside is what Yukoners refer to as the rest of the world. I got my answer and I stayed.

    A man I know gave me a gift recently. It is a book of images and words created by his sister, now deceased. He didn’t give it to me to keep. He gave it to me to enjoy for a time and then return it back to him. It’s a powerful piece of this woman’s life, full of her passion and creativity.

    Last night I saw this man and told him I would be returning the book to him before I go away next month. We spoke about the work for a while and the different ways it had inspired us and I suddenly remembered I’d wanted to ask him if he knew the name of the author whose quote his sister had used on the book’s cover.

    He put his hand to his heart, indicating the power of the quote and what it means to him but he admitted he didn’t know the source. I said I would Google it when I got home, which is what I did. Yup. You guessed it. Rumi calling.

    Here it is:

    “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I’ll meet you there.”

    And here is the rest of the poem:

    “When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about. Ideas, language, even the phrase “each other” doesn’t make any sense.”

    A Mystic sees the world differently than the average person. Ever aware of the Big Picture, the Mystic seeks Union with the Divine in order to become a liaison between the human world and the Realm of the Spirit. A Mystic transcends time. Rumi was here in the 1200s but his work is still being done now.

    Thanks, Rumi. I sure appreciate the help!

    Inspiring Message of the Day:

    I died from minerality and became vegetable;

    And From vegetativeness I died and became animal.

    I died from animality and became man.

    Then why fear disappearance through death?

    Next time I shall die

    Bringing forth wings and feathers like angels;

    After that, soaring higher than angels –

    What you cannot imagine,

    I shall be that.

    ~ Jalāl ad-Dīn Muḥammad Rūmī (30 September 1207 – 17 December 1273)

    Yes I Am

    • May 14, 2010 9:55 am

    Dearest Readers,

    Here is the thing about personal growth: we have to be willing to accept that we have shortcomings and we have to be willing to change. This fact usually produces an “ugh” in most of us and a “la-la-la I can’t hear you” response complete with hands over the ears for maximum effect. But if one is seeking Peace one must be willing to look within at the good, the bad and the ugly.

    As some of you know, I’m heading on the road in a few weeks for a lengthy stint of travel. The cat needs a sitter and so I put the word out on a local Listserv and received a number of responses. Even on the best of days I am overwhelmed by e-mail. I feel like Newman, Jerry’s enemy on Seinfeld, the postal worker who, when explaining why workers sometimes go “postal” speaks about the never-ending influx of mail.

    That overwhelm means that sometimes my responses are going to come across as curt, or short and, apparently, arrogant. Yesterday I received an email response from a woman I’ve never met, a potential cat-sitter,  to whom I sent a message basically saying “thanks but no thanks.” Her message?

    “Thanks for your arrogant reply.”

    Arrogance? Yes, I have it. I’m the first to admit it. But when someone else points it out, well, it doesn’t feel so good. I have to say I was pretty shocked.

    Of course my first response was to be hurt, then to be angry, then I thought of all the rude things I could write back. Then I did the icky work. The work no one really likes to do. I took responsibility for my actions.

    According to the dictionary on this computer, arrogance means “an exaggerated sense of one’s own importance or abilities.” What it doesn’t say is that arrogance usually comes from fear. My own arrogance has been bred by my insecurity. My deep inferiority complex actually created  the opposite behaviour in me. I became an ego-maniac.

    The good news is once I admitted the shortcoming I could then begin to change and be changed. Until I could see the problem there was no solution.

    So I sent a reply to that woman who called me arrogant. I told her my response likely came across the way it did because I am a little overwhelmed at the moment and then I asked her for a re-do. I re-wrote her a message, taking the time to thank her for her offer, explaining that I’d found someone else and wishing her all the best.

    Humbling, yes. More than I owed her, perhaps. The Path to Peace, absolutely.

    And she wrote me back and thanked me.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: When I clean up my side of the street I am giving my Self the gift of freedom from fear and shame.