• Circle Up

    • June 4, 2010 8:41 am

    Dearest Readers,

    Yesterday was a Full Circle Day. A day when something which once had a beginning is now given an ending and the chapter is closed.

    In January 1997 I moved to Edmonton, AB, after a 15-month stretch in Ireland. The fantasy was to move there and start a theatre company with a “friend” but the reality was that I was addicted to a doomed and destructive relationship. Four months later I was outta there.

    Despite the insanity of my predicament I did make some attempt to get involved in Edmonton’s theatre community. I called a number of theatre companies and artistic directors to set up meetings and introduce myself. Out of all the people I called, only one responded with enthusiasm and actually agreed to meet with me in person. I was ever so grateful at the time.

    Thirteen years later I got to meet this man again. Just yesterday we got together here in Whitehorse for a cuppa tea. He is in town working with Nakai Theatre and we hooked up to chat about our respective theatre projects. We laughed about the fact that we were getting together 13 years later and compared memories of our first meeting. They were similar but different.

    He remembered me coming to a rehearsal of a play he was directing. I remembered coming to see the show but not being in rehearsal. It didn’t matter much but it was interesting for me to hear that I’d actually been somewhere I didn’t recall being. Memory is such a strange thing.

    My memories of Edmonton are a mix of the good, the bad and the ugly. It was a pretty dark time in my life but I was also receiving abundant gifts from the Universe including the realization that if I didn’t stop drinking I was probably going to stop breathing. It was a life-changing trip.

    Meeting with this man yesterday gave me the opportunity to reflect on that time in my life and how far I’ve come both in my personal life and in my work life. There I was, at the beginning of my career, looking for support in an unknown community. Here I am, mid-career, surrounded by love and support in a community I hold very dear to my heart. Total one-eighty.

    Did the progress I’ve made come from hard work? Partly. Did the success I’ve had come from luck? The Chinese couple I worked for at the Good Taste Restaurant in Edmonton might think so. I, however, must give all credit to the Great Mystery, to the Benevolent Life Force Energy that woke me up in that fair city and started me on the Healing Path.

    The dictionary on this computer says that coming full circle means to “return to a past position or situation, especially in a way considered to be inevitable.” I like to think that coming full circle is when a past position or situation returns to us, especially in a way considered to be mystical.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: When I come full circle I will recognize it as a chapter in my life coming to a close; a specific healing that needed to take place has just occurred and I will acknowledge and give thanks for it.

    Welcome the Grey

    • June 3, 2010 8:38 am

    Dearest Readers,

    It’s lashin’ rain out there and no doubt the dry forests are breathing a sigh of relief. We need rain so badly in this region right now. The gorgeous summer weather has meant bone dry land that is ripe for forest fires.

    Upon waking, I opened the curtains to see the wet, gloomy, grey and thought, “How beautiful.” Whaaat?

    This uncommon reaction reminded me of a tourist couple I met last year when I was in Haines Junction, YT, for the Yukon Writers’ Festival. We (my fellow authors and I) encountered them at the Visitor’s Centre and greeted them with the typical “beautiful day” introduction.

    “We’re sick of it,” they said.

    Their response was kinda shocking.  We’d been soaking up the sun and loving it. They’d been on the road for weeks and nothing but sun, sun, and more sun. They’d grown weary of it.

    “We’re dying for some rain,” they said. “We just want to see some clouds and feel that freshness of the rain falling on our skin.”

    I thought they were crazy. Who could believe a person would ever complain about perfect, sunny days?  But this morning, when I heard that rain tap-tapping on the windows and felt the coolness of the wet day, I actually understood where they were coming from.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: Be still sad heart and cease repining;/Behind the clouds the sun is shining,/Thy fate is the common fate of all,/Into each life a little rain must fall,/Some days must be dark and dreary. ~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

    The Ultimate Agent

    • June 2, 2010 9:02 am

    Dearest Readers,

    Yesterday, as my brain went on a future-trip and my anxiety began to rise due to the fact that none of the issues the mind sought to resolve were immediately solvable I went out on a limb and asked for a miracle.

    The dictionary on this computer has two definitions for the word “miracle” and both are very appealing:

    A miracle is “a surprising and welcome event that is not explicable by natural or scientific laws and is therefore considered to be the work of a divine agency.”

    A miracle is “a highly improbable or extraordinary event, development, or accomplishment that brings very welcome consequences.”

    The reason I asked for a miracle was simple enough. I had no peace. My mind was hard at work to figure out things that it simply has no control over at present. I needed that Divine Agency to take over.

    So I asked for a miracle.

    A short time later the phone rang. It was Beverly R. Down, the President & CEO of the Creativity Coaching Association, of which I am a member. She asked me if I would like to come and do a presentation at their conference in October in Lake George, New York.

    This was the miracle.

    Why? It’s just a phone call. It’s a job offer. It’s not too extraordinary. But it is extraordinary. Because the brain activity that was causing me so much stress was all about my path as an Inspiring Leader and should I really continue to pursue it?

    Earlier in the week I’d sent out a couple of inquiries to speaking agencies and, of course, not hearing back immediately my mind went into big-time negative-thinking mode. The itty-bitty-shitty-committee was now in session.

    When I am being attacked like this by the voices of dissent the only way to get them to shut up is to call the Divine Agency on the direct line and ask for help.

    “Send me a miracle, please.”

    And what happens? A surprising and welcome event occurs with very welcome consequences. A veritable miracle occurs.

    I always say this, folks: I don’t know how prayer works I just know it does.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: When the negative thinking becomes just too much to bear I will ask for a miracle and I will expect extraordinary results. The Divine Agency is always open for business.

    I Do

    • June 1, 2010 10:14 am

    Dearest Readers,

    Today is my parents’ 42nd wedding anniversary. This, quite frankly, amazes me. The longest committed relationship I’ve been in lasted one year. Another, which I would call semi-committed, lasted about two. A handful of others lasted months or weeks or days. Several lasted years with no commitment. Most were dysfunctional.

    Despite the fact that I have parents who are still together after 42 years my opinion of marriage is rather spiritless. I don’t believe in it and I don’t not believe in it. If you want to get married, great! If you don’t, great! Personally, I have no desire to get married and doubt I ever will. But who knows? Things change and people change and I’ve been known to be wrong (on one or two occasions).

    My parents have been close to splitting many times over the course of their four-decade-long relationship. Every time they have been on the verge of a split the two of them work it out, sometimes with help and sometimes not. They move through the difficulties, re-commit to the vows and stay together.

    I’ve heard that half of all marriages end in divorce. Not exactly true. The following quote was found after Googling “divorce rate canada”:

    “The latest estimates from Statistics Canada in 2008 suggest that 38 per cent of married couples in Canada will divorce by their 30th wedding anniversary (divorce beyond that point is rare). The percentages range from 22 per cent in Newfoundland and Labrador to 48 per cent in Quebec. In the U.S., the figure is 44 per cent.”

    I knew a couple who separated after 3 months of marriage. I know quite a few couples who split after only 2 or 3 years of marriage. It’s difficult to understand. But it’s also just as baffling to see people staying together for years who are clearly not having a good time in the relationship.

    Being single is not always easy but I must admit that I enjoy it immensely. I’ve had to work out a lot of relationship issues over the years and sometimes wonder if I’m still single because the old fear of intimacy is winning the day or if I truly am most content as an independent. For today, it’s the latter.

    To my parents on this day, however, I offer congratulations and salutations. For sticking it out through thick and thin, for believing in the vows and each other, for the loving and the not-so-loving times that you have shared with us, your family, conveying with true humanity the un-pretty reality of the long-term commitment: it’s work, kids.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: Today I will celebrate the relationships in my life and appreciate the work that it has taken to maintain them. I will open to receive intimacy and I will stand firm in my independence. I do!

    Joy to the World

    • May 31, 2010 9:27 am

    Dearest Readers,

    Today, May 31st, is a special day in my life. Exactly eleven years ago today I began to walk the Healing Path. I made a decision that day to let go of My Way (sorry, Frank Sinatra) and instead follow the Higher Way. It’s been an absolutely amazing adventure.

    If you will indulge me, I will share with you some things for which I am grateful today. It seems the most appropriate way to give thanks for all I have been given over the years and in very recent days, too.

    • To the six brave souls who attended Cultivate Your Courage in Whitehorse on the 29th. Thank you for coming and for sharing your fears and your willingness to walk through them with me.
    • To the two women who first helped me find a way to stop using drugs and alcohol and to all those who have supported me in staying stopped. Eleven years!
    • To the Mama Duck and her wee little ducklin’s I saw over the weekend, first crossing the road on Saturday and then swimming in the river on Sunday. You were so attentive to them, so protective, looking behind you every few seconds, checking on them, making sure they were okay. You reminded me that the essence of our Nature is Love.
    • To the teachers, mentors, sponsors, coaches, counsellors, spiritual directors, family and friends who have supported and encouraged me to continue growing into my fullest potential by becoming whole and free of shame.
    • To the cat I live with who wakes me each morning with his mournful cries, making me crazy/angry and thereby teaching me compassion. By asking me for love you have grown it out of me. You, little monkey-cat, are the reason I started this blog. You get the credit.
    • To the Loving Power of Higher Guidance, which continues to reveal Itself to me each day as a Force that has my back, works for my Highest Good, shows me how to live the life I am supposed to be living and provides me with all that I need in every single moment of each day that I am Alive.
    • To you, present and future Readers, for being there and for supporting and appreciating this work. You inspire me to inspire you.

    My heart is really full of Love today. Thanks, everyone.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: What do I have to be grateful for? Today I will take the time to write a list no matter how I might be feeling. When I look at what I have instead of what I do not I find freedom from want.

    The Gift of Fear

    • May 29, 2010 8:05 am

    Dearest Readers,

    Today I am leading the Cultivate Your Courage Workshop and I am full of anxiety. The good news is I now have something to teach.

    When I took the Sivananda Yoga Teachers’ Training Course I learned a valuable lesson: Don’t teach what you don’t know. Quite simply, that means teach only what you do know. I know fear.

    The “Teach What you Know” lesson was driven home to me a couple of years ago when I was first developing Cultivate Your Courage, which at that time was called Walk Through Your Fear (you’d be amazed how many people would rather do the former). After feeling really confident about leading the workshop for the first time I was suddenly seized by debilitating fear.

    Who did I think I was? What right did I have to lead this kind of workshop? What were people going to think of me doing something like this? What if I failed miserably?

    As I shared all of this with a friend she said, “Celia, don’t you think it’s just a little bit funny that you are going to lead a workshop called Walk Through Your Fear and you are terrified to do it?”

    Oh, yeah. I guess it is a little bit funny. Ha-ha.

    “Now you can teach what you know,” she continued. “Now you have something to give.”

    Boy, was she right. And that’s what I did. I went in there and I said, “I’m absolutely terrified to be here. But I’m here. And I refuse to let the fear win.” This is how we cultivate courage. We walk through the fear.

    So here I am with another workshop ahead of me. I’ve now led quite a few and they have all been very successful. The experience is truly powerful for all of us, teacher and student alike. Nevertheless, the fear is back.

    It’s not crippling me, this fear. It’s not defeating me. No. On the contrary. It’s giving me something to teach.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: I will walk through my fear today knowing that I am cultivating courage by doing so. I will trust that in some strange way the fear is a gift, prodding me to move forward into Trust.

    Post 509

    • May 28, 2010 9:33 am

    Dearest Readers,

    A valuable piece of knowing was given to me yesterday in the counseling session at Hospice Yukon. It has created an opening in my way of thinking. A fissure of new understanding.

    One of the things I have been struggling with is the “right to grieve”. Leanne and I were close over 20 years ago. Our contact since then has been minimal. Am I really allowed to mourn? It sounds crazy but I have been wondering about these things.

    The counsellor said something like this in response to my question:

    Your depth of grief over a person’s death is directly connected to how deeply you loved her/him. That is all.

    This simple and beautiful statement gave me permission to feel whatever it is I am feeling with total freedom.

    I will carry this little piece of wisdom with me always. Thank-you Anthony!

    Inspiring Message of the Day: When we love deeply we risk having to grieve deeply. It would be safer never to risk that love and so avoid the pain. But living life to its fullest involves embracing both these aspects of Being. Like conjoined twins, joy and grief are inseparable mates.

    Hear(t)

    • May 27, 2010 8:31 am

    Dearest Readers,

    As some of you may recall, my friend Leanne died a month ago. It’s hard to believe that much time has already gone by. Zoom! I have thought of her many times, prayed for her and her family, remembered her laugh.

    Shortly after Leanne died I made an appointment with Hospice Yukon. They provide free counseling for those who have experienced loss and I decided to take advantage of it. Their counsellor was away and so the appointment was made for weeks later. That day has come.

    Already I’ve been planning what I’m going to say. Already I’ve been wondering if I really need to go. If I were to listen to the voices in my head I would have canceled the appointment long ago.

    Thank goodness I’ve stopped listening to those voices! When I first went into Hospice the lovely and kind receptionist gave me a little red heart; a tiny cushion with rudimentary stitches crookedly holding it together. It came with a little slip of paper that said, “A reminder to hold our own hearts tenderly.”

    How I need this reminder! I’m keeping this appointment today because I need to hold my own heart tenderly. I need to remember that there is grief to be expressed. I need to allow myself to be supported, encouraged and heard.

    It’s tempting to think, “I’m fine. I don’t need any help. I’ve grieved enough.” Feeling our feelings happens to be one of the most terrifying things out there. But if I can give myself permission to connect to my heart then I allow my deepest feelings to be felt. I honour them, I honour me.

    And I honour Leanne.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: Do I have someone with whom I can share my deepest feelings? Someone who will hear the expression of my heart without judgment and with total compassion? I will seek out that person and give myself permission to feel my feelings and to be heard.

    Or Not To Be…

    • May 26, 2010 11:50 am

    Dearest Readers,

    One of the challenging things about writing a blog six days a week is that I run into the danger of repeating myself. Perhaps danger is too strong a word. Perhaps not. Good writers do not enjoy repeating themselves. Good writers do not enjoy repeating themselves.

    At the risk of posting something I’ve posted before I’m going to back to the topic of making decisions. It’s a major theme in my life lately so I guess it can’t be avoided. There is big learning going on here.

    What I continue to know about myself is that I need absolute clarity before I can say “yes” to something. The fear that this brings up is generally connected to what other people are going to think about me and my process. It’s not convenient. It appears wishy-washy. It seems extravagant or excessive.

    In reality, waiting for clarity is honouring my Highest Good. When I give myself permission to wait I am affirming my trust in the Higher Plan for my life.

    Today I am in the process of producing a feature film. It’s a big job and it has already been many years in development. There are decisions I need to make presently, which will affect the next few years of my life. Obviously this is not easy.

    What happens is that the discomfort of not knowing creates huge temptation in me to get the decision over with so I can strike it off the list and move on. Get rid of the anxiety. But past experience is telling me to wait.

    “When in doubt, don’t,” someone said to me recently. Be patient. Wait. More will be revealed. Trust.

    It’s taking all the courage I have to follow Guidance on this one. Sitting with the uncomfortable feelings is not my idea of a good time. But I do trust Intuition. It has never, ever let me down before whereas my impatience has. So has my desire to control the situation. Neither of these qualities has ever brought me to Peace.

    Hopefully you’re not getting tired of this line of discussion, dear Reader. You’re certainly helping me work through the process. I’ll be happy knowing it’s helping you, too.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: Until I have real clarity about a decision I will continue to wait. I will practice patience, trusting the Path will make itself known to me at just the right time leading to the perfect outcome.

    Stay in the Game

    • May 25, 2010 11:27 am

    Dearest Readers,

    “I am dry, dry, dry.”

    This quote, from a scene I co-wrote with a girlfriend way back when I was in theatre school, keeps running through my head as I sit here searching for inspiration. Nothing is coming but that refrain.

    “I am dry, dry, dry.”

    The scene came out of an exercise in writing class. We got into pairs and started improvising dialogue. The gal I was paired with was a good friend. We immediately took on characters with Southern accents. Suddenly she was Delores and I was Sugar.

    Delores: There ain’t nobody in my life. I am dry. Dry.Dry.

    Sugar: That’s just an excuse.

    Delores: Honey, I’m talking in facts. It’s that simple. I’m all dried up. Dry as a bone and there ain’t no well in sight.

    Okay, my memory isn’t that good. I had to go and find the scene in my files. The pages are a little yellow at the edges and the ink is fading from the passage of time but those gals are still talkin’. It’s been sixteen years.

    What’s a writer to do when she’s dry as a bone with no well in sight? What has she to offer?

    Let’s try a little bit more Sugar…

    Sugar: You know what I used to do when I was younger? I’d open up the cupboard and inside we had one of them spinnin’ shelves you know like a… Lazy Susan? And I used to spin it around like I was spinnin’ for that big orange dollar on The Price is Right. If it stopped facin’ the way it started I felt like I’d won the big prize.

    From here Delores and Sugar go on to talk about aging.

    Delores: Don’t you wish you could hide it? I mean honestly.

    Sugar: No, I don’t. I was taught to be proud of growin’ old. It don’t scare me none.

    Delores: Not even a tiny eeny weeny bitty bit?

    Sugar: Lookin’ old just don’t come into it for me. And you won’t see me at Johnson’s Drug Store lookin’ for a miracle cure to make me look the age I was when I was the most messed up.

    Delores: You won’t see me there either. It doesn’t mean I don’t feel the effects. The fear. I mean, I’m strong. I’m not gonna buy into no market thing. I buy that growin’ old with dignity shit, too. But it don’t mean it don’t scare me though.

    Sugar: You’re right. You’re much better at admittin’ yer fears than I am, Delores.

    Delores: I’ve just had three more beers than you, honey.

    It’s funny for me to read this now. Even way back then the characters I created had trouble admitting they were afraid. To see how far I’ve come in this area you can listen to a new speech on facing fear that I just posted on YouTube. Make sure to watch Part Two as well.

    Hurrah! The dry well has water in it. Sometimes we just have to dig a little deeper to get at it.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: When I am feeling uninspired I will stay in the game, I will keep moving forward, I will trust that inspiration will come. One more step, one more sentence, one more moment may just bring me to the flowing spring.