Dearest Readers,

As many of you know, I’ve spent the last six years writing a spiritual memoir called O My God: An Un-Becoming Journey, and am now in the final stages of assisted publishing with Tellwell, a Canadian indie company. Fingers crossed, the book will be available for purchase in June.

Am I over the moon with excitement? A part of me is doing a happy dance, yes, but the inner critics (there are more than one), released an avalanche of negative self-judgement while I was completing the penultimate polish of the manuscript, and with it came a pile of dread.

If you have your own inner critics you know they aren’t very kind. I struggled to finish the draft while the “voices of dissent” (as I like to call the barrage) went on and on. I listened to them, tuned them out, asked for help and took care of myself. It took me a while, but I eventually remembered that negative voices are not truth-tellers. They are fearful needs trying to get met.

Last week, I managed to complete the draft and submit it to Tellwell, and later that day I went for a massage. It was good timing. I could reward my achievement by doing something special and allow myself to receive intense self-care at the same time.

Just before getting on the table, the massage therapist asked me if I’d like to pick a card.

“Always,” I said.

He held up a deck in a black box, emblazoned with an image of a fluorescent, psychedelic phoenix on the front, accompanied by the deck’s name: “Return of Spirit.”

He shuffled, and held out the fanned cards. I let my fingers hover above them, feeling for the energetic pull. A card found my fingers and I slid it out.

We looked. The image matched the one on the box. The card read “Return of Spirit.”

“No one has ever pulled that card before!” he exclaimed. “That is the first time anyone has ever got that card! It’s the master card!”

I smiled. The Universe has its ways, doesn’t it?

Excitedly, he read the card’s wisdom:

“You have come a long way in your journey. No, it hasn’t been easy, but you have made it through. Acknowledge, for just a moment, the strength and courage that you have discovered within you. This is the card of triumph, heart-felt connection, and mastery. Hold your head high and feel proud of who you are … Your spiritual connection to Source is stronger now than it has ever been.”

Really? I was a little baffled. I wasn’t feeling anything close to triumph or mastery. The illness I wrote about in my last two letters is still with me, the inner critics had just spent days trying to kill me … oh, and there’s some other hard stuff happening: a pandemic, a war in Ukraine, nasty divisions bubbling up everywhere, climate change.

No, it hasn’t been easy. For anyone.

“But you have made it through.”

Well, yes.

Could you acknowledge just for a moment the strength and courage you’ve discovered within you?

Yes … I could.

Could you hold your head high and feel proud of who you are?

“Now wait a minute,” the critics jump in, “that is going toooo far into the corny-mushy-gushy zone.”

Shhh. It’s okay. Just relax already. You don’t have to police that zone. It’s not your job.

Okay. You’re right. I’m relaxing. Sigh.

Now. Could you trust that your spiritual connection to Source is stronger now than it has ever been?

Well …

Well?

Well, yes. I suppose I could. I pulled Master Card, didn’t I?

You certainly did.

Whoot-whoot! I pulled the Master Card! Happy dance! Head-held-high-and-proud dance! Goofy-silly-freedom dance! I’m-publishing-a-book-that-took-me-six-years-to-write dance! Yee-haw! Yippeeee! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

From the corny-mushy-gushy fires of love,

Celia