• To Paradise

    • June 18, 2010 6:58 am

    Dearest Readers,

    Made it back to Montreal after a full day of driving with stops along the way to see family and friends. Arrived alive, thank heavens.

    I’m on my way to the Bahamas this morning and preparing to settle into ashram life. This means quiet, contemplative and communal living. I can’t wait.

    I’m functioning on very little sleep right now so I’m afraid this post will be less than it could be but my day was just made by the look of joy on a boy’s face when I returned his baseball cap to him after he’d forgotten it in the waiting area. What a smile!

    Even though I’m blogging about it, what made the gesture especially enjoyable is that I did it anonymously. I gave the hat to a flight attendant to give to the boy. She got the credit but I got the reward.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: Today, just for fun, I will commit a random act if kindness anonymously. If I tell someone about it I will do something else to replace it!

    Day Eleven

    • June 17, 2010 4:32 am

    Dearest Readers,

    Hitting the road again again after being in Kitchener four days during the Magnetic North Theatre Festival. Tomorrow I get on a plane and fly to the Bahamas to lead Cultivate Your Courage. The weekly weather page for Bahamas on the iPhone has seven straight clouds with ferocious-looking lightening bolts. Should be an interesting week.

    On my way back to Montreal today I will be passing through Port Hope, Ontario, where I lived for three years before I moved back to the Yukon in 2004. My grandparents on my mother’s side still live there, as do her 3 sisters. I’ll be stopping in to see them as I pass.

    My grandparents are quite elderly and though they have managed to stay in their own home until now (with lots of outside help) the time has come for them to move into a senior’s residence. It will be an enormous change for them and though my grandmother is scared she is ready to go. My grandfather, to say the least, is less than thrilled about the move.

    When I lived in Port Hope I went over to see them every single day. I had left Montreal to look after my parents’ second home in Port Hope. It was a sweet deal. I got to live in plantation-style home, they got a property manager.

    In Montreal I had been working in both a seniors’ residence and a nursing home. Both jobs gave me insight into the aging process and appreciation for the elder experience. I also had a knack for working with old folks. My daily visits to my grandparents were rooted in service work. I went there to give them unconditional love and care once a day, without fail.

    Last night when I called my grandparents to tell them I was coming, my grandfather, who has trouble hearing (and listening) said, “I know I’m not supposed to say this but I think of you as a special granddaughter. The time we spent together when you were here was a wonderful period in our lives.”

    The last time I visited I said good-bye to them. And the time before that. Every time I go there I know it may be the last. So today I get to see them and say another good-bye. I considered zooming right past the town and skipping the visit altogether. Port Hope is nestled right beside the highway and it would make my day so much easier. But Life is not always about choosing the easy path.

    Yesterday the wind was as strong as I’ve ever felt it. The force was almost hurricane-like. I watched it whip the trees and pushed against it as I walked and remembered suddenly that I’d dreamt of a tornado the night before. In the dream, I saw the twister in the distance coming toward me. I remember being afraid.

    My job today is to go and be present with my grandparents. To give them love and support as the winds of change blow through their fragile lives. May it pass through without too much destruction.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: When I want to avoid the difficult emotional territory that comes with familial relationships I will remember that Unconditional Love heals all wounds. It is a Force of Nature, more powerful than anything else in the world.

    Give Praise

    • June 16, 2010 7:47 am

    Dearest Readers,

    The other day a woman whom I’ve known for many years but have not seen for a good while approached me with a big hug and a kiss and extremely glad tidings. Of course I returned the affection with pleasure and we promised to connect in the coming days but I walked away feeling confused. The last time I had seen this woman she had seemed less than thrilled to see me. Even somewhat cold. What had changed?

    Last night we had the opportunity to connect once more and after catching up and sharing the last few years of our lives it came out. Rather, I deduced it, for she would never have said, “This is why I am being kind to you again,” but sometimes words reveal more than other words can say.

    Last year she had left me a phone message — business related — and I had called her back, got her voice mail, and left her a reply message. In my message I gave her encouragement and validation. I had heard of a real success she had made and so praised and celebrated her achievements, validating her hard work in the process.

    As we spoke last evening she recalled getting my message and with hand on heart, described how much it had meant to her, how it had caused her to reflect on her hard work and finally validate it for her Self. It was a deeply felt moment for both of us though she may not have guessed as much for me.

    The lesson here is twofold: One, never make assumptions. When this woman seemed so happy to see me I assumed all kinds of things, none of which had any kind of accuracy. Two, a little encouragement goes a long way.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: Today I will take the time to genuinely encourage another person. When we praise, celebrate and validate someone else’s progress or success it comes back to us in untold ways.

    Going For It

    • June 15, 2010 5:14 am

    Dearest Readers,

    Today is a “Yes, open the door,” kind of day. Or gate. Either way, I am afraid but I am willing to move forward and walk through my fear.

    Though I am in Kitchener for a conference I am going back into Toronto for the day to meet with a couple of film distribution companies to talk about Last Stop for Miles. I’ve never done anything like this before. It’s totally new territory. The anxiety is close to vomit-inducing.

    Okay, I’m exaggerating for effect but I am working diligently to practice being here now, trusting my Self and letting go of outcomes through mild heart palpitations. This work is constant. Every second I go into my head and every second I’m breathing to bring myself back into my heart. Remember the Big Picture, Celia!

    Ah, yes the Big Picture. What is really important? The world doesn’t revolve around me. There is a Higher Plan afoot. All that good stuff. Need it. Breathe it. Live it.

    Thanks for being there everybody. You’re like silent cheerleaders. I’m so grateful to you!

    Yes, I am afraid. Now open the gate.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: Today I will be my authentic Self. I will let go of the desire to impress and the need for acknowledgment. I will trust that when I am true to who I am, everything Flows exactly as it should.

    Day Eight

    • June 14, 2010 3:55 am

    Dearest Readers,

    Here I am in Kitchener, Ontario, for the Magnetic North Theatre Festival and outside the birds are chirping up a storm as the day breaks. They are competing with the endless rush of traffic that whooshes by on the street below, a main thoroughfare. Amazing how we co-exist, isn’t it?

    Each morning I have ritual that I call my spiritual practice. It involves prayer, meditation and yoga. I usually read from some kind of devotional literature and this morning’s reading talked about the idea of inner change leading to outer change, which happens to be something I believe very strongly.

    Here is a caption:

    “It is not your circumstances that need altering so much as yourself. After you have changed, conditions will naturally change.”

    This tenet is one of the basics of metaphysics: my belief systems are creating my reality. This, of course, is easier to swallow when things are going well. When things are not going so well it is tougher to accept the idea that I might have something to do with it.

    But here’s the part I like: It’s not my fault. And here’s the catch: it is my responsibility. If I’m attracting negativity I’m not a bad person and doing it all wrong. I just have a faulty belief system that needs rewiring. In order to change and be changed I must be willing to do the inner work. Only for that am I responsible.

    For years I would attract car accidents. Thank goodness I made it out alive and uninjured every single time. But it was wild, I’m tellin’ ya. The last one was in the north of BC on a logging road and as the truck went off the road and flipped over onto its side I actually said to myself, “Here we go again.”

    Now I could choose to believe that this was a lot of bad luck or I could choose to look at it metaphysically. What needs to “crash” on the inside? Well, my whole Way Of Being, frankly. I needed to change my entire friggin’ life. And finally I did. No more accidents. For today 😉

    I’m not perfect. The Old BS (belief systems) that are presently in the process of being extracted are stubborn and tough hangers-on. I’m having to practice patience big-time right now because I just want them (one in particular) GONE. But I’m not the Do-er. I’m just the gal through whom the Do-er works.

    So this morning, as the darkness turned to grey and then to a lighter grey (no sun in Kitchener today) I prayed for that “altering” of myself one more time and the patience to live with my imperfect Self for another day. I remain willing and I let go of the desire to spin the planet.

    And the birds sing on.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: If my outward circumstances need changing I will start with my inner life. What is broken? Where can I be healed? I will ask for Guidance and become willing to change and be changed.

    Knowing

    • June 12, 2010 5:42 am

    Dearest Readers,

    Something excellent has happened. I’ve made a decision. (Sound of trumpets, fanfare and general exultant cheering.) Hallelujah.

    The making of this particular decision has been a vastly interesting journey. Far too long a story to post here but now that I’ve made it the relief is great. And the fear is big. “OMG, now I have to do it.”

    To do “it”, in this case, is to both direct and act in Last Stop for Miles, the feature film I have in development. Crazy, possibly. My destiny, most certain.

    It’s been 16 years since I first wrote the play by the same name, 8 years since I took a crack at the first draft of the screenplay, 4 years since my sister and I shot the short film in Whitehorse, 3 years since it had its premiere and a number of subsequent festival screenings, and five months since I was awarded Development Funding from Telefilm Canada, which newly opened wide the doors to production.

    It has always been my vision to direct and act in my work. I don’t know why. I only know it is a part of who I am. We are a strange species, the self-director. There aren’t many of us. And we are criticized and analysed and generally thought to be egomaniacal control freaks. But we just are what we are.

    Oh, I’ve been willing to change, let go and be directed. I’ve been willing to let the vision die completely for the sake of the film. I finally abandoned the idea and listened to all the sage advice (“Don’t do it, you’re insane.”) because it seemed like the right thing; the wisest thing.

    But no. The vision will not die. It has kept returning, ever so gently, prodding around inside my cells. This you must do. And so, I now believe, to direct and act this film is no less than the Arching Rainbow of Destiny. (In the understated words of my filmmaking mentor.)

    The clincher came a couple of weeks ago. I heard from a friend that a woman I’d met with, a potential producing partner, found my lack of conviction with regard to the film “wishy-washy.” I’d told her the story of wanting to act and direct and my subsequent letting go of the idea. Apparently I’d capped the story by saying, “So I guess I’ll just direct it.” She found this off-putting.

    Where was my conviction? Lost in fear. Everyone was warning me against the idea and they must be right. I must be wrong. So I listened. I became willing to let go. “I am amenable, flexible, soft.”

    This is a good affirmation for me. It’s important for me to practice letting go because I do tend toward egomaniacal controlling behaviour. But in retrospect I now see that I had to listen to the warnings, give the vision up, say to good-bye to it. I had to in order for it to come back, quietly, then loudly and clearly through the critical voice of another.

    Because now I know. Now there is no doubt. Now I have conviction.

    Hallelujah.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: What is that expression? If you love something, set it free. If it loves you it will come back? How about, if you can’t make a decision, let it go. The answer will be revealed when you are ready to receive it.

    Day Five

    • June 11, 2010 7:33 am

    Dearest Readers,

    Toronto the Good. Toronto, the city of my youth. I was born and spent my earliest years in the Yukon but Toronto is where I grew up. It was here where I had my innocence ripped away, where I made the transformation from child to adolescent and from adolescent to young woman. This city evokes so many memories for me both fond and ferocious.

    I’m staying with some friends in their rented condo in the Yorkville area and the view from the guest room looks eastward. I can see clumps of buildings and a wide swath of sky but what’s really standing out are the trees. Toronto has enormous trees. There is one in particular that has caught my eye. It’s a couple of blocks away so I can’t tell exactly what kind it is but it is surely hundreds of years old, quietly presiding over all the others around it.

    It’s easy to forget trees are there. We kind of take them for granted. But when I connect to the fact that trees are living, breathing entities it’s rather extraordinary to think that they are standing guard all around us like soldiers on watch, our silent protectors.

    A recent cartoon in the New Yorker depicted 2 trees talking to one another. One of them was saying, “Can you believe human beings, like, breathe in our waste? Gross.”

    We forget that part, too. Our very survival depends on trees. Sure, we remember it because the eco-warriors use it as a way to get us to pay attention and fair enough, we need to. But what about just taking the time to reflect on the amazing fact itself? What we breath out, they breathe in, what they breathe out, we breathe in. How practical and prudent is this Creator!

    I’m in this city for both business and pleasure and I love getting “citified” after long stretches in the isolated North but this weekend I’m going to take the time to notice and acknowledge the trees of Toronto. Their size and stature is so magnificent. And like me, they’ve grown up here.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: Out of sorrow’s lonely vale;/… at last the traveller sees/ Light between the trees! ~ Henry Van Dyke (1852-1933)

    Day Four

    • June 10, 2010 6:39 am

    Dearest Readers,

    One of the greatest things I’ve heard said about being on the Healing Path and leaving our Old BS (belief systems) behind is that “we don’t go back to them as often, we don’t stay in them as long and we get out of them sooner.”

    Learning this was a huge help for me, the recovering perfectionist, because it meant I didn’t ever have to graduate to being fixed. It meant that I would get better (and I have) but I could still screw up.

    I got lost yesterday. One would think that with an iPhone (complete with a Google Map App) and a built in compass in the vehicle that losing one’s way would not be possible but oh, yes. It is and it was.

    Somehow I passed the road I was supposed to take and after narrowly missing the on-ramp to the highway I pulled off and began driving in the (sort-of) right direction. I found a place to pull over and got out the iPhone to find my way once again.

    No service.

    Whaaat? Am I suddenly in Siberia? Does this one particular section of Ottawa not have a cell phone tower? No answer would satisfy. No shirt, no service, kid.

    A gas station up ahead! I could go there and ask for help. At least I’ve learned that much.

    There, a very helpful guy told me where I needed to go. He was having trouble talking because he’d been up since four a.m. (it was now 1:30 p.m.) but he was a real cutie and totally willing to help me. I almost asked him for his number. Kidding. Sort of.

    So I followed his directions (I had actually listened to them — I’ve asked for directions before and then not listened — good mule that I am) and eventually found myself on the street that he mentioned. Uh-oh. New problem: even though I’d listened I still wasn’t completely clear about where to go next.

    This is where the old behaviour came back. I actually started to whine. Whimper, too. Oh, and bang my hands against the steering wheel while swearing profusely. I was now late for the meeting I’d set up. Things were not going my way. Solution? Act like a two-year old.

    I’m glad to say that within that childish moaning was embedded a prayer. Okay, more like begging but “help me” was thrown in amongst the curses. Then I remembered something: Trust. Everything is happening as it should. It’s all okay.

    A woman appeared pushing a stroller. I rolled down the window and stopped the vehicle. I did not introduce my two-year old to hers. I was calm, collected, and kind. A better actress you’ve never seen. But it was right to be polite. And she was sweet as honey, giving me the final directions to the place I was going not 4 minutes away.

    Seven minutes late. Totally no big deal. Fantastic meeting. Why the sh#% fit? Pride. What would the man I was meeting think of me? Yes, that little worry is enough for a big ego to take the wheel, literally.

    So it all worked out, of course. I didn’t need to lose my sh%#. But I did and so be it. Not perfect yet. But I haven’t been two in a while. I didn’t stay two for long. And I managed to turn 38 again PDQ.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: No service? On the contrary. The Human Being is the ultimate Map App.

    Day Three

    • June 9, 2010 8:50 am

    Dearest Readers,

    Ottawa is an interesting city but a difficult one to describe. The term “government town” might be its most apt moniker but what does that really mean? Friendly people in suits everywhere and public works of art on every block? Clean streets? Busloads of tourists? All of the above are true and yet there is something else here that I don’t know how to name. Probably because I don’t yet understand it.

    Yesterday afternoon I spent a few hours at the Canadian War Museum doing research for GITA. The building, a concrete fortress with a rooftop field of wild grasses and poppies, has a fin that arcs skyward like a hand-sweeping salute. The small windows on the outside of the bunker-like walls spell out “Lest we forget” in Morse Code.

    Inside, I wandered through the exhibits, taking in the the sights and sounds of Canada’s war history. In addition to the tanks and helmets, guns and uniforms, there were paintings done by “war artists” around every corner, nestled between the battle accounts and the “Did you know?” facts. Outside of the exhibition areas there were still more paintings hanging on the empty thick-slabs-of-cement walls. On the inside of the “fin” there were great, nude plaster casts of human gods in various states of agony and ecstasy. Stunning.

    War artist. Can you even grasp the meaning of these two words sitting side by side like that? A true oxymoron. It is a boundless meditation for I cannot stop thinking about it.

    According to Wikipedia, “official war artists are normally appointed by governments for information or propaganda purposes to record events on the battlefield.” But why through art? The Canadian Encyclopedia tells us that First World War artists “produced a visual record of war that was second to none.”

    Okay, so a war artist clearly has a function and a purpose. Does the work I’m doing on GITA make me a war artist? I suppose it might. But I don’t quite feel that I live up to the name. Probably because like this city I’ve tried to describe, I don’t yet understand it.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: “Of all our dreams today there is none more important – or so hard to realize – than that of peace in the world. May we never lose our faith in it or our resolve to do everything that can be done to convert it one day into reality.” Lester B. Pearson, Nobel Peace Prize winner, 1957; Canadian Prime Minister 1963-68

    Day Two

    • June 8, 2010 3:55 am

    Dearest Readers,

    Do you remember the scene from Pulp Fiction where Jules, the thug character played by Samuel L. Jackson tells Vincent, the John Travolta character, that he is quitting “the life” ? When Vincent asks Jules what he’s going to do instead, Jules says, “I’m going to walk the earth…. walk from place to place, meet people, get in adventures.”

    Vincent isn’t having any of it and tells Jules he’s going to end up a bum but Jules is determined and full of faith. It’s a great little scene, watch it here (language warning!!) on YouTube.

    For some reason this line has stayed with me all these years (that film came out in 1994 if you can believe it — 16 years ago) and lately I’ve been saying it to people when they ask me why I’m going traveling for so long. Not entirely facetiously I answer, “Basically I’m just going to walk the earth.”

    During a session with my Spiritual Director a few weeks ago I was telling her the story of Jules and explaining that I’d started saying this to people for fun and yet really feeling that it was partly true. Though I have specific business in each place I’m going I also feel called to “walk the earth”. Wonderful SD that she is, she suggested we go deeper into this call.

    We entered into meditation, just breathing and getting quiet, and by doing so I was able to really listen and connect with Inner Wisdom. From this place of Knowing I heard some sage advice.

    “Don’t be afraid to meet people.”

    Sounds simple enough, right? But it’s scarier than you think. How many of us find it difficult to talk to strangers? “People are strange when you’re a stranger. Faces look ugly when you’re alone…” Jim Morrison pretty much nailed it.

    Hearing Guidance from Inner Wisdom, however, kinda means, for me anyway, that I gotta obey. So last night at a restaurant, when I overheard a few guys sitting at an adjacent table talking about filmmaking, I decided to speak up. It seemed like too big of a coincidence. I’m a filmmaker, I walk into some joint and the people sitting behind me are talking about Telefilm Canada and producing movies in this country? Seemed like a “walk the earth” moment to me.

    I waited until they were leaving, passing me by, and jumped in.

    “Are you guys filmmakers?”

    “Ahhhh… yeah,” one of them said, looking rather like a deer caught in the headlights. (When you’re a stranger…)

    “I am, too,” I said. We shared a brief exchange after that. They were friendly enough but the body language was “get out the door, dude.”

    Immediately, I felt like a jerk. Why didn’t I start with a smoother intro? Something more formal and professional? Then I realized I was beating myself up for nothing. They were awkward, I was not. Why take it on? Time for some positive self-coaching.

    “Good for you, Celia! You walked through your fear. It’s not about their reaction, it’s not about making a successful connection in the industry, it’s about cultivating courage while you walk the earth!”

    Right. Better.

    “Do not be afraid to meet people.”

    Gulp. I’m working on it.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: We’re all strangers walking the earth. When it comes time to meet a fellow stranger on the road and the fear comes up I will walk through it knowing Wisdom and Guidance dictate that I do not have to be afraid.