• Running Up That Hill

    • December 28, 2009 9:05 am

    Dearest Readers,

    Listening to other people talk about their dreams can be fascinating but it’s usually not. Our dreams are meaningful to us as individuals, not to others.

    Unless it’s a universal dream that most of us can relate to (like being naked in public or losing teeth) then you can probably count on your listener tuning out when you’re in the midst of describing how you were in your childhood home but it looked like your friend’s house etc.

    That said, I’m going to share a piece of a dream with you because I feel the larger message is worth passing on.

    I am running up a hill and it’s getting steeper and steeper. It becomes so steep that I fear I might actually fall backward. I discover a wall jutting out and I lean against it for safety.

    The top of the hill is just a few feet away but it’s straight up. I notice little grooves in the ground, footholds, opposite the wall. I reach out my foot, press into the foothold. It’s too high, the stretch is beyond my capability. I choose another foothold lower down, press my other foot against the wall behind me and push and pull myself up to the top.

    Upon waking, I was struck by the obviousness of the dream’s meaning: Sometimes life can feel like an uphill climb. The steeper it gets or the more challenges we face, the harder it is to keep going. Falling seems inevitable.

    But there are walls and grooves and footholds all around us. We may be tempted to push ourselves higher and harder because we want to “get there” faster but we can choose the easier step. It’s okay to be where we are.

    In order to use life’s footholds, we need to see them first. How do we see them? We need to trust that they are there. If we can do that, they will appear to us where we did not see them before.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: Today I will trust that there are support systems in place to help me climb my hill. I will keep my eyes open and allow them to be revealed to me. Then I will use them to pull myself up!

    Metaphysical Musings

    • December 26, 2009 12:21 pm

    Dearest Readers,

    Sometimes I get a certain feeling around this holiday time of year that could only be described as dread. It’s the coming of the New Year that brings it on, knowing a new beginning is approaching. The old, fearful part of me wants to hang back, put it off, hold it at bay. Call it the fear of moving forward.

    The Bible has never really spoken to me in the way that it has for some people but there are some writers that I like who use Biblical references as metaphors, which is a practice that both intrigues and interests me.

    Take, for instance, Florence Scovel Shinn. I’ve blogged about her before because I have one of her books, “The Wisdom of Florence Scovel Shinn,” which was given to me by a good friend, a fellow on the healing path, and I read it often for inspiration.

    Shinn was all about metaphysics, which, according to Wikipedia is “a branch of philosophy that investigates principles of reality transcending those of any particular science.” Shinn’s books are full of affirmations like, “I forgive everyone and everyone forgives me. The gates swing open for my good.”

    I think of metaphysics as a kind of spiritual science. God as mathematical formula:

    Surrender + Faith = PEACE

    This morning, I was reading a passage wherein Shinn uses the story of Moses and the parting of the Red Sea as metaphor. Allow me to paraphrase: Moses is your Intuition or Higher Guidance and you are the Israelite being led out of Egypt (the darkness). Higher Guidance removes your fear or obstacle (parts the Red Sea), allowing you to pass into your own personal Promised Land, or freedom from fear.

    “Go forward,” Shinn writes. “Say to yourself, “Go forward.””

    I need these words when I feel that fear of moving ahead come upon me, when anxiety attacks and dread hits. Instead of retreating, holding back, putting it off, I say to myself, “Go forward”, and I put my trust in Guidance, knowing it will lead me to that place of inner peace, which I crave.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: I will Go Forward despite my fear. I will trust Guidance and let go of my temptation to retreat or go backward.

    That Warm Love

    • December 24, 2009 3:25 pm

    “And it’s ever-present everywhere, that warm love.”

    These are the words of Van Morrison, Dearest Readers, and as they blared from the car speakers today I looked at the world around me and saw it was so.

    I saw a jam-packed parking lot, shoppers to-ing and fro-ing, ravens puffing up their feathers against the cold, homeless huddled together, children in Santa hats pulling parents into shops, lights lights and more lights, friends stopping to say hello, parcels and packages being carried like babes in arms, and a world alive and singing with energy.

    That Energy is Love. It’s ever-present, it’s everywhere and it is, most assuredly, Warm.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: Wherever you are, whoever you are, however you are feeling, that Warm Love is within you. It’s yours. You deserve to give it and receive it, no matter what you’ve done, no matter what’s been done to you, that Warm Love is yours, by birthright.

    Approval-rating

    • December 23, 2009 9:19 am

    Yesterday I had to do something really challenging. I had to tell a gal I was planning on working with that I’d changed my mind.

    What’s so difficult about that? Well, she’s a friend and I respect and admire her quite a lot. And the thing I’d changed my mind about was working with her.

    Having to do this triggered some of my deepest fears. I didn’t want to disappoint her and I didn’t want her to think ill of me.

    For most of my life, I’ve been controlled by these fears. The decisions I made were motivated by my desire to be liked, my need for approval. When I began to change this behaviour and be changed by following intuition and Guidance, I began to experience freedom from fear and anxiety and my life got a whole lot better.

    But the fear comes back. It’s an Old Belief System (Old BS) and it’s deep-rooted. I inherited it, like an ugly heirloom. You can’t give it away.

    Or can you?

    When I teach yoga and we are at the end of a class, lying on our sides after the final relaxation, I often say, “Let any residue of fatigue or tension slide out of you. Give it to the ground. The ground can take it.“

    Think of the ground, it’s many layers, it’s unfathomable depth. Think of the whole Universe, it’s inestimable size. The Life Force of Everything. What if we could give our fear to this Power? It’s certainly big enough to take it.

    So this is my prayer: Take my fear. Take my need for approval. Take my desire to be liked.

    I am giving away the ugly heirloom I inherited. I am giving it to the Ground (of Being).

    And guess what? It works.

    One word (or two) of caution: When we pray to have the need for approval removed, we’re given opportunities to practice living free from that very need.

    For example, I had to tell my gal friend that I’d be working with someone else. The idea made me want to vomit but I trusted my intuition, asked for help and told her. She was great about it, by the way. And my fear was gone.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: I will trust that the Universe is big enough to hold my fear. I will ask for the fear to be removed and then accept the opportunities that come my way to remove it.

    I Do Not Want What I Haven’t Got

    • December 22, 2009 8:49 am

    Dearest Readers,

    And what of the Green-Eyed Monster?

    Ooh, jealousy. A yucky, uncomfortable topic. Let’s dig in, shall we? For the topic of jealousy must be broached because it is one of those big, awful things that encompass the reality of being human.

    Jealousy comes from fear. Fear of not being good enough, of not being loved, of missing out on something. If I am jealous it means I think I haven’t got something that someone else has got and I get triggered.

    This happened to me recently. I compared my insides to another woman’s outsides and I came up short. “She is better than I am.”

    But is she? How do I know who she is on the inside? How do I know what she really feels about herself?

    I can never know another person’s inside state of being unless she tells me. This means that I’m jealous of what I see, not what I know. I’m imagining she is perfect or that she doesn’t have problems, or insecurities or shortcomings. I’m judging a body not a human being.

    If the person of whom I am jealous were to tell me that her father died when she was three and she lived in a perpetual state of sadness, or she had insomnia or she suffered from bi-polar disease then my jealousy would likely be transformed into compassion. The person in question would cease to be a body and she would now become just like me: imperfect.

    A person once told me that if I am jealous of a person, if I think I want what she has, then I must imagine I have her whole life. Not just her looks or her talent, which is usually what I think I want, but her whole life.

    If she has abusive parents, I’ve got to take them, too. If she has a video game addiction, that comes with her. Lousy boyfriend, yup. Annoying laugh? Mine.

    This practice of seeing the whole person helped me to see that I didn’t, in fact, want her whole life, whoever she happened to be at the time. I just wanted her hair. Or her career.

    When the Green-Eyed Monster took me over in this recent episode I was overwhelmed by it. Envy is so powerful! It’s so big and it can make us feel so small. But what I have learned is that it’s really not that big at all. It’s a thought, a feeling, and when I recognize that it’s coming from fear I can change it.

    After a prayer in which I asked for this fear to be removed and a meditative practice involving breath, acceptance and forgiveness, I returned to a place of compassion and surrender and the Monster went away.

    Did I really want this woman’s whole life? Certainly not. I have a great life! What was the fear really about? She was getting attention. A-ha! I want attention.

    Like most of our negative emotions, jealousy is a teacher. It may indicate a deeper need for love or self-validation. If we can recognize it as such we can go about taking the steps to meet whatever that need may be.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: How can I give myself the attention I crave? What can I do to comfort that scared part of myself that needs to be reassured and loved? I will answer these questions and then take the steps to meet my deeper needs.

    The "L" Word

    • December 21, 2009 9:04 am

    The temperature has plummeted. It was -28 C when I woke up yesterday morning but that didn’t stop me from going on the cardio walk I’ve committed to once a week. I bundled up despite the cold and headed out to brave the weather.

    It was probably around 10 a.m. when I reached the top of the cliffs that overlook this fair city and the sun had not yet risen above the mountains. The sky was a palette of pastel colours and I watched a plane take off and head into the orange and pink wash.

    From there I slid down a steep and snowy bank on my butt and headed into one of the local churches for a carol-singing service. Who could have asked for a better morning?

    But I was not in tune with the goodness of it all. I found myself feeling extremely irritable during the service. Cranky pants. Judge Judy. Grrr.

    Thank goodness I had a phone call scheduled with one of the gals on my support team upon my arrival home. She asked me if I was tired. Fatigue can bring up fear, which is inevitably at the core of these kinds of feelings.

    No, I wasn’t tired. I’d had a good sleep and plenty of rest during the preceding days. What was I fearful about? I listed a couple of issues that could be triggering fear-based thinking and we talked through them. It helped but there was still another piece missing.

    Have you heard of HALT? It’s an acronym that can help us sort out what’s going on with us if we’re feeling off. It stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. Often, if I’m experiencing fear, it can be attributed to one of these states.

    Hating to admit it, I knew it was the “L” that was kicking my butt. Lonely. Ugh. I said to my friend, “It absolutely kills me to own up to this but I am feeling lonely.”

    Being on the healing path, I often think that I shouldn’t still experience things like loneliness. My friend deferred. “I’m often shocked to find out I’m still human,” she said.

    Why is it so hard to admit that I feel lonely?

    Because the perfectionist in me tells me there’s no excuse for it anymore. I’ve got faith in a Higher Power, I have friends and supporters and community and family. If I’m lonely I’m obviously doing something wrong.

    Wrong. If I’m lonely I’m human. Shocking.

    Episodes like this are humbling. And boy do they teach me a lot.

    It’s like when I began developing the Cultivate Your Courage workshop and felt huge fear leading up to the very first one. My same friend said, “Don’t you think it’s just a little bit funny that you’re about to lead a workshop on walking through your fear and you’re terrified to do it?”

    Shocking.

    But she was right. It was funny. It also turned out to be my best teaching tool. I wasn’t going in there as an expert on courage. I was going in there as an expert on overcoming fear.

    This loneliness I’m experiencing can be viewed as a similar instrument of connection between us. If you tell me you’re lonely I can truly empathize with you. I will have compassion and understanding for your experience because I know it so well myself. We can be equals.

    After I got off the phone I left the house and went to meet some friends. Then I went for tea with another friend and shared the truth about how I was feeling. We laughed and related and inspired each other. Later in the evening, I went to a holiday party and sang my heart out. The music was uplifting and the company stimulating.

    The ache that loneliness brings was eased by my willingness to be open and real with others. It hasn’t completely left me but it’s okay. It will.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: If I’m too heavenly, I’m no earthly good. To be lonely is to be human. To be human is divine.

    Anti-Depression

    • December 19, 2009 8:57 am

    Dearest Readers,

    Yesterday a friend was talking about feeling depressed. Not clinical depression, the kind that is considered a mental illness, but low-energy depression. The kind that is black and hopeless but situational.

    I suffered from this kind of depression for years. It would come, it would go. I always wondered when it would come back. I learned that taking action, any kind of action, would make it go but that’s like saying, “Get off the couch!” to the depressive. It’s the one thing she needs to do and the most difficult thing for her to do.

    Sheer-force of will. That’s what I would use to make it go, take that action step to change my energy, get it flowing again. Or Higher Will. Pray like a mother-lover.

    Time after time I would use these tactics to get out of the slump. Force myself to do something, anything, or ask for the courage to change because my will wasn’t working. It wasn’t until a few short years ago that I actually started to see that there were things I could do to avoid going there in the first place.

    A gal I knew used to say, “You do good things, you feel good. You do bad things, you feel bad.” It drove me crazy! “It’s not that simple,” I thought, amidst images of strangling her.

    But it is. I wasn’t exactly doing “bad” things but things that would suck my energy and put me in that low energy-fear-anxiety-depressed state. I needed to identify what those things were and eliminate them from my life.

    Eliminate that which is eroding our confidence. What a concept! Again, easy enough to say, more difficult to do. Watching three movies in a row erodes my confidence. Why? I have no idea. I just know I feel like crap after I do it. So don’t do it. Duh.

    Those days of the ups and the downs, the moving in and out of that depression-state are behind me. This is not so much a miracle as a steadfast commitment to do “good” things. There are still “bad” things I hang on to that I’m not ready to let go of yet. But I’m getting there.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: I will identify that which is eroding my confidence today and pray for the courage to let them go. I deserve to feel good.

    Animal Love

    • December 18, 2009 8:38 am

    Dearest Readers,

    Being self-employed is challenging sometimes but it has its rewards, too. I get to stay in my PJ’s all day (but I don’t — well… sometimes I do), I am free to do things like take a nap if I need one, run out and get groceries or meet a friend for tea. I also get to interview caribou.

    That last one was my Christmas bonus. Some people get a few extra dollars, I got to have a love-in with a caribou cow name Boo.

    As some of you know, I took on a contract to create a 30-minute live/video performance on behalf of the Yukon for the 2010 Olympics in Vancouver. Our show will be performed at BC Place Stadium on February 20th. We open for the Stereophonics so get your tickets now!

    Early on in the process of creating this spectacle I decided to take a Rick Mercer approach and interview locals in the search for the quintessential word describing what it means to be a Yukoner, what it means to live in this magnificent place.

    The answers have been surprising and powerful. Yukoners of all different ages and backgrounds have shared the essence of their experience of living here and its been a privilege to be on the other end of the microphone.

    But no Yukoner yet has been as loving and affectionate toward me as Boo. She nuzzled and bumped me so fervently I was knocked to the ground. She buried her head (watch out for those antlers!) in my lap and if those front legs could have hugged me no doubt they would have been wrapped around me in a full embrace. It was heaven.

    Never mind the food I had in my pocket, she was in love! And so was I.

    Thank you to Krista and Marie at the Yukon Wildlife Preserve for allowing us to come and shoot the footage. What a wonderful place we have here. A vast, open space where rescued, injured or orphaned animals can recuperate, many of them eventually returning to the wild.

    And I won’t tell you what Boo’s word was. It’s our secret.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: Look to the animal for inspiration. What quality do you most admire? Wisdom? Tenderness? Ferocity? Love without judgment? May we seek to better embody these qualities ourselves.

    Future-Tripping

    • December 17, 2009 10:30 am

    Dearest Readers,

    Today’s post might be a bit of a meditation practice in itself. To breathe, to be here now, with each word as I type it. I’m buzzing with anticipation for the day ahead, which involves shooting a segment of video for the show I’m presently creating. I need to slow down my thinking.

    Blog entries about the practice of being present in my life come often, don’t they? They can never come often enough. It is a daily practice. Actually, it’s a moment-to-moment practice because the mind is always moving forward and the remembering must be constant.

    That’s almost what being present is: remembering. “The power of now” and “being here now” and “living in the moment” are ideals. When I teach yoga I say, “The nature of the mind is to think.” The mind thinks, that’s what it does. In order to step back from the thinking mind I must remember to return to the experience of now.

    So that is what I’ve been doing since I woke up. My mind is future-tripping big time to the arrival of the videographer, to our drive out of town, to the shoot, to the drive back, and on and on. I’m living out the day in my head and forgetting where I am.

    And so I must engage in the active effort to remember that I am not there yet, I am here. I must return to this moment, the only one there is. This is certainly challenging because it feels like I have to do it every single second but the practice is worth the reward. For I am then in my life, the only one I really have, the one that is unfolding here and now in reality.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: The life that plays out in my head is a fantasy. It is not real. I will continue, throughout the day, to actively remember to be in my real life as it unfolds in the present moment. I will step out of the thinking mind and experience the now.

    Kind of…

    • December 16, 2009 10:24 am

    Dearest Readers,

    Lately I’ve been provoked by Internet challenges. Slowness, no connection, you name it. Depending on how I’m doing personally, my response to this kind of situation is either to shrug it off or to feel my blood actually boiling with frustration.

    What I have trouble remembering (but am very grateful when I do) is the idea that problems with computers and other electronic devices are, in fact, an opportunity for me to practice the art of letting go.

    If something is not working, walk away. Why is this so difficult? Why do we insist on trying to make something work when it is clearly not going to happen?

    It’s the old “my way or the highway” syndrome. I want what I want and I want it now. Trouble is, there isn’t much serenity to be had with this kind of thinking/behaviour.

    The other day, a friend and I were talking about the saying that goes “Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?” My friend said she’d heard a gal say that she didn’t “get” the expression for a long time because, well, she was right.

    That’s the problem. We think we’re right.

    When that same maxim was taught to me it was presented a little differently. I heard it this way: “Would you rather be right or would you rather be kind?”

    This was an easier question to answer. Happiness is elusive. And letting someone/something else be right doesn’t necessarily bring it on. But being kind? Somewhat simpler, infinitely more rewarding.

    When I’m having technical difficulties and my anger is brewing I am definitely in the “my way or the highway” mode. The thing is wrong and I am right. I should be getting my way.

    So how can I put the above saying into practice? How can I be “kind” when the opponent is a computer or an electronic device? Refraining from throwing it across the room is not exactly kind but it’s a good start.

    I can also look at the fact that it’s not helping matters to force my hand. It’s not changing the situation. In fact, it’s making it worse.

    The hardest thing in the world might be to walk away, shut it down, or leave it alone, but by doing so I’m affirming my willingness to surrender. I do not have to be right. I do not have to get my way. I can let go.

    It’s being kind. To myself.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: Honestly, I would rather be right. But being right has never made me a better person. Nor has it brought me any peace. Being kind has taught me humility and infused me with dignity.