• Dive In To You

    • August 21, 2010 8:31 am

    Dearest Readers,

    Today I am going on poustinia. I have friends with an empty cabin on a lake and they’ve given me the key. I’m only going for 24 hours but 24 hours in the desert can be quite a stretch.

    What I’ve discovered since the laptop got fried is how addicted I am to the distraction it provided me. This iPhone on which I now write has the same (false) power. The loss of the computer is not so deeply felt because I can use this hand-held device instead. The temptation to always be online or plugged in is very great.

    I’m not bringing the iPhone with me to the cabin. That would defeat the whole purpose. But I’ve thought about it more than a few times. Come on, just to watch a movie?

    It’s shocking to discover the depth at which I have come to depend on these machines. They provide a great feeling of escape (most of the time). Poustinia is just the opposite. There is no escaping. I have to face my Self with no distraction.

    I’ll let you know how it goes.

    Inspiring Message of the Day:     What would happen if I turned off all the noise in my life? The radio, the TV, the phones, the computer, everything I use as a distraction? I would be left with Great Silence. Despite my fear I am willing to dive in with both feet!

    Welcome Freshness

    • August 20, 2010 8:37 am

    Dearest Readers,

    It’s been grey and wet here in Whitehorse for a few days in a row now. We needed rain badly so no one dares to complain about it. I was on a hike last weekend and the mountain lichen was crunching underneath our feet like crispy cereal. This wet weather is very welcome.

    After almost a year of posting blogs it’s sometimes difficult to remember whether I’m repeating myself or if I’ve told the story elsewhere so if you’ve heard this one already, forgive me.

    When I was on Spiritual Retreat at the Naramata Centre last February I met a man on the road and we began to have a conversation. Of course, being human as we are, our discussion began with the weather. There was a light rain falling and the man found it very pleasant. He was from a dry place where rain was scarce.

    “It’s so fresh,” he said, taking a deep breath and smiling. “I just love this freshness.”

    Fresh? It was the first time I’d ever heard anyone describe a dull, dreary, rainy and grey day as fresh. I myself have always struggled to love rain. But when this man said that word and took that breath and smiled that smile I could feel the freshness he was talking about. The winter green around us got brighter and the cool air suddenly felt rich and moist.

    After that episode I am forever feeling the freshness of the rain. That man’s positive attitude completely shifted my experience of dreary weather.

    Talk about a fresh perspective.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: Is there something in my life that needs a fresh pair of eyes? What can I look at differently today? I will find a way to gain a fresh perspective on something I have previously viewed with disdain.

    Power Surge

    • August 19, 2010 12:10 pm

    Dearest Readers,

    Yesterday afternoon, while I was working away on the to-do list, our fair city experienced a power outage. The laptop sitting before me, the conduit for all of my business, made an ominous sounding “zzzt” and the screen went suddenly black. I found myself staring dumbfounded at a dead machine.

    RIP iBook G4.

    Yes, the little technical wizard that has been my constant and faithful companion for the last four years is now totally kaput. Burnt. Fried. Deader than a doornail.

    I’m surprisingly calm about it. This probably has to do with the fact that I backed everything up on an external hard drive just two weeks ago. Still, there is two weeks of work on there that may or may not be retrievable. But I’m still here, folks. We do survive the loss of things.

    A few years ago I saw an interview with the great writer Toni Morrison, who wrote one of my favourite books of all time, Song of Solomon, and she was talking about a house fire which had destroyed all of her unpublished and yet-to-be-published work. She was obviously devastated by the ordeal but also resigned to her new reality.

    “I have to let it go,” she said. There was nothing she could do.

    There is nothing I can do either. I may have lost almost 20 pages of a new play. Toni Morrison lost novels. I’m not comparing pain merely putting things into perspective.

    I can’t help thinking of what my reaction might have been a few short years ago. Rage. I might have damaged something. Today I feel no anger. I almost feel relief! I cannot access any of the files currently vying for my attention and so I’m being forced to let go absolutely of certain tasks. I am getting a much needed break.

    Perhaps that power outage was made just for me.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: Today I will accept the things I cannot change. I will remember that my possessions do not make or break me. I will enjoy the freedom that comes from letting go.

    Sailing Through

    • August 18, 2010 8:35 am

    Dearest Readers,

    Years ago I heard an inspiring speaker talking about making it through rough times. She likened being in the pit of despair to being in the middle of a terrible storm. “Sometimes you just gotta hold on,” she said, “You just gotta hold on until it passes.”

    When we’re in that place of fear it can feel like it’s never going to pass. We can’t see the forest for the trees. All we can feel is rotten. It’s a real pickle of a place to be when everything around you is actually just fine and there is nothing really wrong with your life.

    In my case, I have everything I need, my life is one of freedom and adventure, I am young and independent, I’ve been given great gifts of creativity and spirituality, and yet despite all of that I still end up somehow back in that pit.

    Fear is so baffling, isn’t it? What helps me to understand it a little better is the belief that I’m being called to grow. To heal on a deeper level. If I deny the fear I won’t get there. If I embrace it I’ll overcome it.

    In order to overcome it, however, I have to move through it. If I would like to come out the other side I have to have to do a few simple, yet challenging, things. Holding on is one of them.

    I hold on to the belief that in the Big Picture everything is really okay. I hold on to “This, too, shall pass.” I hold on to faith. Faith in a Benevolent Universe, a Greater Power, a Life Force Energy Back of All Things. I hold on to past experience that tells me this Power is Unconditional Love and is working constantly for my Highest Good.

    I hold on, period.

    And then the storm ends, the clouds part, the sun shines and I’m through it. And I look around and I am no longer in the pit. I have ascended to a new level of Be-ing.

    It’s a process, folks. Every single time. And every single time I come through it I think, “Whew! I made it.”

    Hallelujah. Land, ho!

    Inspiring Message of the Day: Whenever I hit rough seas I will remember that the route toward calm waters is always ahead. In order to get there I will put up the sail and hold on to the Rudder.

    A Clean Page

    • August 17, 2010 11:09 am

    Dearest Readers,

    The other day I heard someone use a great metaphor for the trap of negative thinking. Imagine a clean, white piece of paper. Imagine a black dot is then printed on the page. What do you stare at?

    Sometimes I find myself staring at that black dot when all around me is purity and light. I just can’t take my focus off the blemish.

    Recently I did a performance of a spoken-word piece for a public audience and I asked a friend to record it for me so I could either post it on the website or on YouTube. A couple of days later I showed it to some friends who had been unable to see the piece live.

    After watching the clip I said, “Now that I hear it played back I realize that my delivery was too slow. When I’ve done it in the past it’s been much faster.”

    One friend agreed. “It needs to move along,” he said. The other friend didn’t think so. “I liked it,” she said. “I need to hear the words so I can process what I’m listening to.”

    Aside from the fact that this proves we performers can never please everyone, I became suddenly aware that I was again focusing on the black dot. I didn’t see what I had done, only what I hadn’t.

    This was not a profound revelation. I’ve been working on this for some time. The good news is that even though I focused on the black dot I didn’t beat the living daylights out of myself for what I’d done “wrong”. I simply observed it and committed to doing it differently next time.

    This is progress and progress is something to celebrate. It is vital to recognize these little victories in our lives as we move more and more into the White Space of self-forgiveness.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: Am I too focused on the “black dots” in my life? Today I will shift my vision away from the blemishes and concentrate instead on Progress and Positivity.

    Dear Diary

    • August 16, 2010 10:09 am

    Dearest Readers,

    It’s been an interesting couple of weeks since I arrived back in Whitehorse after traveling for two months. I’ve been negotiating my way through all kinds of feelings while simultaneously playing the contrasting games of catch-up and future-trip.

    Needless to say, I found myself hitting the wall of overwhelm yesterday.

    The good news is I didn’t hit it going 100 mph. More like 30 or 40. But impact is still impact no matter what speed you’re going. It’s still a direct hit.

    Do you journal, Dear Reader? It’s such a great tool. I didn’t know I was feeling overwhelmed until I started writing about it last night. I’d had an emotional day but if you had asked me what was going on I probably couldn’t have named it.

    After about 4 pages of processing what was in my head and what was in my heart I finally found the words:

    I’m overwhelmed.

    Even just saying it takes the pressure off! I actually woke up feeling relief. Even though the status of my current to-do list has not changed since last night I’m not presently feeling the tension of having too much on my plate. Something has shifted.

    What happened? Well, now I’ve got awareness. I know what it is I’m really feeling. The simple tool of identification has done absolute wonders for my well-being. We have to name it. When we name it we can then address it head on.

    What, exactly, is “it”?  All together now: It is the fear.

    It’s always about the fear, in my opinion. The little bugger won’t give up. Like the Energizer Bunny, fear just keeps on banging its little brass cymbals ad infinitum, ’til death do us part.

    What is the fear behind the feeling of overwhelm? In my case, it is most likely the fear of financial insecurity. The fear of failure is probably lurking in there somewhere, too. Both are ungrounded and illogical but nonetheless present and accounted for.

    So out comes the tool kit, folks.

    1. Name it: I’m overwhelmed.

    2. Become willing to address it. I’m willing to change.

    3. Practice letting go: Fear is False Evidence Appearing Real.

    4. PLAML: Pray like a mother-lover.

    The key for me in this process is number 2. It’s so humbling! You mean, there’s more fear inside of me? I have to change again? I didn’t graduate from the Fearless Forever Class of 2010 yet?

    Not yet. I suppose it’s a good thing. I’ll have something authentic to teach next month.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: To journal faithfully is to discover a marvelous way of uncovering our underlying emotional state of being. When I am in need of a yet another shift from fear to faith I will pick up a pen and write until I can identify the unexpressed fear.


    The Aim of Success

    • August 14, 2010 8:48 am

    Dearest Readers,

    As part of my research for GITA I am reading Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl. I’ve only just begun the book but already have learned so much.

    In Frankl’s “Preface to the 1992 Edition” he writes about his reaction to the incredible (surprise) success of the book which by then had sold millions of copies since its initial publication in 1946.

    “Don’t aim at success,” he writes, “the more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue… you have to let it happen by not caring about it.”

    I need to hear this message over and over again. I have been so motivated by “success” for so much of my life. I have blogged before about having to re-define the meaning of success in my life in order to find Peace and how much this turnaround has helped me. I’ve been changed by it.

    Still, after reading this section of Frankl’s book, I was able to see how much of what I do is still motivated by this vague notion of greater glory. It’s not a bad thing and I’m not here to chastise myself for it but I felt humbled by the raw awareness that the old success driver is yet present in me.

    Frankl continues, “I want you to listen to what your conscience commands you to do and go on to carry it out to the best of your knowledge. Then you will live to see that in the long run — in the long run, I say! — success will follow you precisely because you had forgotten to think of it.”

    Thanks for the reminder, Viktor. Needed that.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: What does my Conscience command me to do? What is my Highest Guidance? I will seek this knowledge and carry it out to the best of my ability without expectation of success or reward. I will trust that the reward will come by itself, at my having done my utmost to perform my True Command.

    I’m Alive

    • August 13, 2010 10:27 am

    Dearest Readers,

    Today I will be performing at Arts in the Park here in our fair city and I’d like to share with you the piece I’m going to present.

    It’s a spoken-word number called I’m Alive and it was one of the first authentic performances I gave back when I was walking through stage fright at the beginning of my professional career.

    Here it is:

    I’ve scaled a mountain clinging fingers to wet rock wind howling threatening to blow me off the side / end me up like the sheep fallen down below / ribs splayed open bleached by the sun / petrified organs and hide now leather/  long white hair blowing in the breeze…

    I’m alive.

    I’ve been hit by a car on my bike SMACK POW didn’t see it coming in the night / bright headlights / BANG I’m in the air / SLAM I’m on the hood / THUD I’m on the ground…

    I’m alive.

    I’ve been taken by a stranger held in his clutches / his dirty hands and dirty things he did to me / RUN / so I ran / he let me go…

    I’m alive.

    I’ve met bears — I said bears — that’s with an ‘s’, kid / walking down a logging road / five grizzly bears, kid / one breaks away / comes down the ditch / up the ditch / to face me down back me up / I backed up / our spirits touched / eye to eye…

    I’m alive.

    I’ve jumped out of a plane / 2800 feet / falling flying with the wind in my ears / peace beauty ’til I landed exactly NOT like they’d spent the 8 hours teaching me how to / OMG / both my legs are broken / but they weren’t…

    I’m alive.

    I’ve been trapped in a hole / 3 years old told, “Don’t go down that hole!” / climbed down / got stuck / fire engines / po-lice / traumatized parents

    I’m alive.

    I’ve taken drugs laced with rat poison / bleach / bought off the streets / WHY?

    I’m alive.

    I’ve been in car accidents / planes that nearly crashed / relationships with violent men / UGH

    I’m alive.

    I was born / I was given this gift / this life overwhelming / this blessing / this hope

    I’m alive.

    The contents of our wallet / the size of our house / the cost of our car / these things / do not make us / who we are / we’re rich without a penny

    We’re alive.

    We’ve got blood coursing through our veins / pumping muscles and a heart working hard

    We’re alive

    We got lungs / cleansing breath / is the Life Force Giver / we receive

    We’re alive

    You’re alive

    I’m alive.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: It is so easy to forget that I am alive today. I will do my best not to take this Immense Gift for granted. I will rejoice in my aliveness!

    GDGH

    • August 12, 2010 4:48 pm

    Dearest Readers,

    According to Wikipedia the author of the notable quote, “Go big or go home,” is unknown. Too bad. I could give him/her a shout-out today because I just appropriated the saying for my own usage.

    Today in the grocery store, among the lettuce heads and fennel bulbs, a friend called X and I got to talking about one of my favourite subjects: the Healing Path. We hadn’t seen each other for a while so we got caught up on our lives in general and then before we knew it we were getting Real.

    X shared with me a recent decision he’d made to take some time off to focus on his personal growth.”I’m taking care of myself,” he said. “I’m getting down to the core.”

    “Good for you,” I said, “We gotta go deep or go home.”

    X’s response was to laugh but in a genuinely frustrated way.”Why?” he protested. “Why do we have to go deep? No one else is doing it! Look around! People are just doing whatever and they’re fine with it!”

    “Are they?” I asked. “We don’t know that. People may look fine but we don’t really know for certain. We can’t compare other people’s outsides with our insides.”

    “Ignorance is bliss,” said X.

    I agree. The problem only occurs when the bliss stops. We get sick or we have an accident. Or a Still, Small Voice gnaws at us quietly, bugging us to make a change. Some people can ignore these Signs. Some people can’t. I am one of the ones who can’t.

    Oh, I tried. Believe me I did. I tried for years to ignore the Deeper Call. Didn’t work. No more can do. I raised the white flag. Surrender to win.

    That’s the good news. We really do win when we decide to heed to Higher Guidance. There is pain, yes. We will have to grieve. Uh-huh. But underneath the pain is a very, very “deep” wellspring of Love.

    So it’s GDGH all the way for me, my friends. TG.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: Despite the fear of pain I will answer the Deeper Call. I will trust that by going to the core of my issues I will eventually uncover my Highest Good.

    Not To Be Confused With Poutine

    • August 11, 2010 8:42 am

    Dearest Readers,

    A few years ago a friend introduced me to the concept of poustinia, a word originally meaning a cabin where one goes to pray and commune with God. The way my friend described it, the word embodied the entire retreat experience, not just the cabin. So instead of saying, “I’m going to a poustinia,” one might say, “I’m going on poustinia.”

    I’m going on poustinia.

    Yesterday I had a session with my spiritual director and that wise decision was one of the outcomes of our session. After a two-month adventure and a couple of weeks back in full-swing mode I need some really focused time to reflect, to integrate, and to discern.

    What I realized yesterday is that the time in the morning that I take, the time in the evening that I set aside, the Sunday “sabbath” I do my best to practice, are, of course, all good. Just not presently cutting it.

    And it’s not enough to just “take a day off”. Inevitably I’ll end up engaged in some kind of activity that takes me away from the Quiet. To retreat from stimulation of all kinds, to experience the Higher Connection, I need to go somewhere, a cabin or a campground, and be in the Silence.

    So I’ve committed to going on poustinia not this weekend but next. Thank you to my SD, who is so very good at helping me to see what I need.

    So going “to” or going “on”, it don’t matter, I’m going period.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: How do I feel about the idea of going on a personal, silent retreat? No distraction, no interaction, no noise. Just me and the Great Silence. I will explore my feelings around the idea of poustinia and see if one might be in order in my own life.