• Pray Tell

    • January 27, 2011 9:35 am

    Dearest Readers,

    Tired? Grumpy? Lethargic? Despairing? Anxious? Overwhelmed? All of the above? You’re not alone. On any given day I can experience any number of these fear symptoms. Lately, my number one solution has been simply to pray.

    Get quiet, ask for Direction, listen. All of these actions constitute prayer and with them comes the exquisite sensation of simply dwelling in the Presence of God.

    I heard someone recently say that for her God was a person. That works for her so that’s great. For me, God is not a person. God is the Spirit of Unity Back of All Things. God is the reason why there is something rather than nothing, the Condition of Possibility of any entity whatsoever.

    Neither of those definitions are mine, by the way. They came to me and I grabbed on to them. They make sense to me. They back up my experience. And that is how I have come to know this God. Through experience. Not because someone told me what to believe. The experience of this Power is why I have I faith in its existence.

    But despite my faith I am still self-reliant. And my self-reliance causes me to suffer. I overwork, I future-trip, I judge, I worry, I sabotage myself. I operate on Old BS (belief systems) instead of trusting Higher Guidance. And then I end up in chaos of one kind or another, whether it’s just a wee little bit or full-blown doesn’t matter. I still find myself there. Sigh.

    It is at these times of inner crisis that I remember to pray. Not just pray like I do everyday, sorta kinda doing it because I gotta. But praying deeply. Taking the time to BE. Be with God. Not wonder, not question, not say a few deferential words. But connect. Rest. Dwell in the Great Presence.

    When I embrace the Sacred I am so embraced. The Divine enters and fear disappears. I remember who I am.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: Today I will take time to pray deeply. Shedding all thoughts but One.

    Communing with the Stars

    • January 21, 2011 8:46 am

    Dearest Readers,

    Yesterday I had the opportunity to interview Justin Trudeau for a new talk show I’ve created with the help of our local TV station Community Cable Nine. It seemed like a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and even though I had to cancel one appointment and be late for another I took it.

    The appointment I was late for was a session with my Life/Business Coach. She said, “I think that’s probably the best excuse for being late I’ll ever hear.” She also asked me if I wanted to debrief with her on the interview experience. I said, “Well, instead of looking at everything I didn’t do I’m going to just say to myself, “Good for you, Celia. You did a good job.” She validated that for me, as good coaches do, and we moved on.

    As the day progressed into the evening, however, those Voices of Dissent began talking to me in their insistent and pervasive way. They’re still at it, as a matter of fact, and it’s the next day. I figure I’d better give them a forum to express their regret since shutting them down flat doesn’t seem to be working.

    So here, Dearest Readers, is what I didn’t do in my interview with Mr. Justin Trudeau, MP:

    • I didn’t say, “Nice haircut.”
    • When he talked about individuals needing to make a mental change with regard to our expectations of what politicians can do for us I didn’t look at the camera and say, “A mental change, People. It’s up to us to make a mental change.”
    • I didn’t tell him who my brother-in-law is. They went to summer camp together and were chums.
    • I didn’t tell him I went to a movie with his Dad. Yup, one day Pierre Trudeau and I went to see the same film at the Egyptian Cinema in Montreal. We were both alone and we sat at either end of the same row. He died shortly thereafter.
    • I didn’t take a picture of the two of us. I didn’t give him my business card.
    • There were times when he was speaking that I didn’t listen closely because I was formulating my next thought/question.

    That’s quite a lot of regret isn’t it? How challenging it is to ignore these things and look only at what I did right. The mind, the ego, the pride, the desire to be perfect… all these parts of me jump in there and shout for their rights and sadly the message is this: You are not good enough.

    This is a message, I am well aware, that so many of us battle. I could write pages on where it comes from in my own life but I’m far more interested in how to overcome this self-defeating Belief System. This BS!

    The kind of self-validation I did with my Coach is a very good place to start. We can tell ourselves we did well no matter what happened. “I did my best. My best is good enough.” Say it a thousand times if we need to. I am good enough.

    Another piece that helps me is to let go of the ridiculously high expectations I have. “This was only my second interview for this new show. I’m just at the beginning.” This way I can learn from the experience. I can see opportunities for improvement and take those on for next time.

    Most importantly I can practice the Art of Letting Go. It’s done. It’s over. It’s the past. There ain’t nothin’ I can do to change it. Going back over it in my mind will not do any good. Bless it. Release it. Move on.

    This new TV show is called “Communion”. I called it that because the word can mean “the sharing or exchanging of intimate thoughts and feelings, especially when the exchange is on a mental or spiritual level.” Justin Trudeau talked about seeing the work he does as Service and he talked about trying to make the world a better place. He spoke about how he tries to use criticism as an opportunity for self-improvement. When I asked him if he’d rather be buried or cremated (yes, I did that) he took what felt like the longest pause in the history of interviews, his eyes looking skyward in deep and silent contemplation, and then finally responded with thoughtful meaning. (He wants an ecological interment — the worms can have him.)

    All of this means that I succeeded in communing with this man. I achieved the goal! The rest is history.

    And yes, his eyes really are that blue. Not that I noticed.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: Sometimes the process of letting go requires a few steps. If something is hanging on I will take the time to give voice to my regret. Once I’ve done that I trust that my freedom will follow more swiftly.

    Edges of Light

    • January 17, 2011 6:51 am

    Dearest Readers,

    I quit the blog a while back to work on a new play I’m writing called GITA: God in the Army and I’m pleased to announce that I have finished the first draft. I’ve applied for a grant to workshop the piece in the spring and I’ll be performing a reading of it at a festival in May so momentum is most definitely gathering. Stay tuned.

    Yesterday I began to work on a new painting to give to a friend on her upcoming birthday and it’s been on my mind a lot since I put the brushes down. I often work from photographs I’ve taken and this one in particular is a close-up on a dark cloud with a luminous gold lining. I thought painting it would be a breeze.

    Not. Lemme tellya something: Clouds are not easy to paint!

    Because the cloud turned out to be more of an impression I’m thinking of adding some writing to the painting. Distract the viewer from the fact that the puffy puffs are a bit of a dog’s breakfast. I’m going to add, “every cloud has a” and then let the eye wander over to the edges of light.

    Those four little words have been running through my brain for the last 24 hours and so naturally I’ve found myself meditating on the entire proverb as well. “Every cloud has a silver lining.” Does it really?

    It does if we choose to see it. That’s the challenge we face as humans. Are we willing to see the good? Are we willing to find meaning in difficult circumstances? Are we willing to look beyond the darkness to where there are edges of light?

    It’s a choice. We don’t have to do anything. We can choose to see only hopelessness and futility if we like. And many of us do. Choosing the Light is diligent work. Maybe not for all of us. I’m always amazed when I meet people for whom joy is innate. But for me the conscious effort to see the positive and to find meaning in the day is just that. Conscious. Effort.

    It takes a certain amount of energy, commitment and determination to do this each day and you know what? I’m up for it. Because I’ve seen the proof written in the sky.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: I will make the effort to see the good in the bad, the beautiful in the ugly, the light in the dark. I will make meaning out of whatever I am given because there is always light behind the clouds.

    Speaking Words of Wisdom

    • November 19, 2010 9:29 am

    Dearest Readers,

    It’s been a while! Thank you to those of you who have told me how much you miss the blog. It is welcome praise. Knowing that the Inspiring Message of the Day has had an impact  really means more to me than I can say.

    I’ve been working steadily on GITA and it’s been going well. Well, “well” might not be the best choice of words. It is not an easy play to write. I am exploring The Big Life Questions and it’s definitely affecting my psyche.

    In the play, Corporal June Wright is suffering from PTSD after experiencing war trauma. She is being counseled by Padre Givin, a Canadian Forces Chaplain. June has lost all sense of meaning and the Padre is accompanying her on her journey back to hope. It’s a light comedy. I’m kidding.

    June has lost all faith in humanity and God. She is torn between finishing her contract with the Forces and pursuing her art. She doesn’t see that there is any point to living when death is the inevitable end. She is desperately trying to understand why atrocities happen and how any kind of God could exist when such horror does, too. She is lost and faithless. Hopeless and despairing.

    Naturally, this is wreaking some havoc on my own spiritual life. June is asking the questions I would like the answers to as well. I, too, have found myself losing faith and gaining anger. “Yeah! What’s up with all this sh!#?” This is nothing new. I’ve spent most of my life asking these questions. It has been a true journey of faith to learn how to trust in a Loving Power Back of All Things despite “the horror, the horror.”

    The other day I was speaking with the woman who accompanies me on the Healing Path. She is a Spiritual Director and her love, insight and wisdom have helped me enormously. With her I move through difficult times, walk through fear, overcome shame, forgive myself and remember that ultimately I do believe God is Love.

    So I was telling her about the anger that was coming up because of GITA. Does God make bad things happen? What the hell is it really all about? Why do those who rise up against injustice get crucified? Shot? Beaten to death? One of my greatest fears lies at the root of these questions: If we stand up for what is right we will be killed.

    “There is no Life Insurance,” she said. “There is no Safe Passage.” None of us is guaranteed immunity from death. There is no reward for being a Good Girl. Indeed, she added, “Bad things happen to good people.” And then she suggested I read that book. (I did get it from the Library and have begun to read.)

    Her point triggered another realization. I have an Old BS (belief system) that tells me that if I am very, very, good, which unfortunately translates into “perfect”, I will be safe. I will be rewarded. I will be protected from harm and even death, as ridiculous as that sounds.

    Not so, Celia. Just. Not. So.

    Alas, I am returned to the place where I have been before, many, many times: Embrace the Mystery.

    You see, I want answers. I want a formula I can work out. I want to know that A+B=C. I want Life Insurance. I want Safe Passage. I want the Big Guarantee. And the more I want it the more I suffer. Because I’m not going to get it. No matter what I do or say or how I act or live, I will not make it out of here alive.

    So when I find myself in times of trouble I remember that there will be an answer. I just don’t get to know what It is right now. So I have to do that thing, that difficult, painful, necessary, healing thing. I have to Let it Be.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: There is nothing wrong with asking the Big Questions. This is Human Nature. But I must be satisfied with not knowing the answers. Today I will trust the Great Mystery and embrace the simple and humble experience of letting it Be.

    One!

    • September 21, 2010 10:36 am

    Dearest Readers,

    Today is the one year anniversary of Inspiring Message of the Day. I just went back and read the very first post, which I wrote in response to hearing the Still Small Voice say, “Get up and write a blog.”

    “Huh?” I remember thinking, “Are you completely serious?” But I listened. And if you look at the time of that post it says “5:47 a.m.” And that was an hour after getting up and figuring out Blogger and then writing the darn thing. Case in point: I obeyed the command despite its seemingly bizarre nature.

    As I was pondering what to write on this momentous occasion I thought about all the things I could say. The most obvious one is that I achieved a goal. This is huge. I committed to posting six days a week for one year and I actually did that without fail. Granted, some posts are better than others but nevertheless I did it. So “clink” and congratulations, Celia.

    There were other goals that came out of the blog that I achieved as well. I made a commitment in Run For Your Life to do one form of cardiovascular exercise a week in addition to my daily yoga practice. And guess what? I’ve kept that up, too. As I was running up those Black St. stairs two at a time yesterday I thought, “My body has changed.” A year ago I was huffing and puffing like the big bad wolf.

    But here is the question that is really begging to be answered. Have I changed the thing that prompted the blog in the first place? That rage that powered the prayer to help me not strangle the cat?

    Yes. And no.

    The rage can still come up. So that’s not gone. Maybe it never will be. But the force at which it arrives has lessened considerably. The cat hasn’t jumped on my stomach for a long time. Coincidence? Probably not. Now when he cries at 5 a.m. I pat him, scratch his ears, talk to him quietly and lift up the covers so he can snuggle underneath them with me. And then we both go back to sleep. Some kind of Surrender had to take place in me and I had to let It in.

    Yesterday I had a major deadline to meet. I was at Staples making copies and things were not going my way. The copier printed 170 pages of my work with a big black line through each one. The 3-hole punch was on the wrong setting and the holes in 120 pages were skewed. I could feel that old rage starting to boil.

    I took a deep breath and said, “Please help me. I can’t handle this.”

    Moments later a woman who might be called the town loonie came stomping into the store. She was having some kind of psychotic episode. She was ranting unintelligibly and everyone just kind of stopped and stared. She did a tour around the cash registers and then she left.

    This woman just happens to be one of my Symbols. There she was. Appearing almost immediately after I’d asked for Higher Guidance. I relaxed. Look at your life, Celia. Look at what you have. Your problems are not really problems. Things fell into their proper perspective.

    Thinking back to a year ago and that morning of the first blog I can see the difference between who I was then and who I am now. Yes, I have changed. And I will continue to change if I continue to ask for that Help. I can’t do it by myself. I need something Greater, something More Powerful than my little old self. That part, thank goodness, hasn’t changed.

    This is by no means the last blog, Dearest Readers, but I am going to take a bit of a break. I have a play to write and this precious time I take to post each day must now be used for that.

    Thank you, thank you, thank you, a million times thank you for reading. Thank you for being there, for being You, for Be-ing. You are amazing!

    Inspiring Message of the Day: When I am in need of Great Strength I will continue to ask for It. I will ask no matter where I am and no matter what I am doing. Today I will trust that when I ask for help It will come. It will come.

    Two…

    • September 20, 2010 9:47 am

    Dearest Readers,

    Yesterday was my birthday and I got the best birthday present ever. I got to go for a canoe paddle on the river.

    Paddling rivers is one of my favourite things to do in the world and each summer my father and 2 of our good friends (another father-daughter team) do a trip. This year, however, we didn’t get to go on our annual expedition and I really felt the loss. I would walk by the Yukon River, which is about a 3-minute walk from where I live, look at the moving water and feel a sense of longing so deep it can hardly be described.

    So when my friend said, “How about we take you out for a paddle on your BD?” I was more than game.

    Since it was my birthday I had spoken to my parents earlier in the day. When I told my father about the stretch of water we’d be doing he suddenly got cautious. “That’s fast moving water,” he said, “It can be really tricky.” He warned me to be careful.

    I’m a pretty good paddler. I’ve paddled lots of flat water and done some pretty big white water but I’ve always been in the bow of the canoe on the river trips. I still don’t feel like I know exactly what I’m doing when the water gets big and my dad and I have had some scary moments. I started to feel nervous about what was supposed to be a leisurely afternoon paddle.

    My friend’s partner reassured me. “The water isn’t that fast,” he said. “I wouldn’t send you out there if I didn’t think you could do it.” Okay then! Let’s do it.

    We set off in mid-afternoon with the sun shining and the wind at our backs. What a stunning day. How thankful I was feeling! Here I was, nearly four decades later in the place of my birth, celebrating Life in the most peaceful and enjoyable way.

    Then we hit the canyon.

    My heart started pumping hard and I concentrated on steering the boat. Above us was a bridge with people on it. I knew one of them. I looked up and smiled and hooted took my paddle out of the water. My friend in the bow did the same. The boat lurched forward. I remembered I was supposed to be steering. “I need you to paddle,” I said to my friend (as calmly as I could). The boat swayed. We righted ourselves and dug in. In minutes we were through the trickiest part. I relaxed. We’d made it!

    That temptation to show off, I tellya. It’s gotten me into trouble in the past. “Look at me! I’m something!” Wham! Reminds me of that Paul Simon song “Gumboots” from his Graceland album: “Believing I had supernatural powers/I slammed into a brick wall.” Yup. Been there. Done that.

    Gotta be careful. Got to focus on the action not how the action will be perceived. Got to let go of trying to impress people. Sigh.

    But despite that little moment of ego-tripping I managed to steer the canyon successfully and that feels like a victory for me. At first I was kind of mad that my dad had put the fear into me. But after we made it through safely I was glad. If he hadn’t given me that warning, which put my guard way up, I might be writing about a river swim I took yesterday. In my actual birthday suit.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: Today I will celebrate my victories and rein in my shortcomings. I don’t need to impress anybody but myself.

    Three…

    • September 18, 2010 10:57 am

    Dearest Readers,

    Let us turn now to the subject of speaking up when it is unpopular to do so. For example, you are in a group situation and perhaps someone has brought a child. The child is a lovely creature and on her best behaviour but is nonetheless disrupting the meeting and making it difficult for people to listen and stay focused. No one wants to say anything for fear of offending the parents and yet the situation is calling for something to be said.

    What do you do?

    The choices are simple: 1. Let it go. 2. Say something.

    Letting go is always a good thing. But what if the discussion is extremely important? What if there is someone there who needs the information so badly that her sanity actually depends upon it? Is letting go really the best option?

    Saying something will cause friction. It may even cause resentment. People won’t like it. They may even start to dislike you. But the group is being disrupted and people are getting annoyed. Many people would like to speak up but are fearful of the repercussions. Someone does, in fact, need to step up to the plate.

    Would you be that person?

    I’ve been both the “let it go” person and the “step up” person. The letting go works but provides no real solution. The stepping up opens the door for communication and problem-solving but causes some angry feelings to arise and enter the mix. Neither option is easy. Especially the latter.

    Why? Because someone, inevitably, will decide you are a jerk. You will then have to live with the reality that someone out there doesn’t like you. If you are a person that says, “Who cares?” to this statement I applaud you and celebrate your insouciance. I’m not there yet.

    But I am getting there! Slowly. It’s been a long and winding road so far. Here are some of the more pleasant pit stops:

    • Don’t take things personally.
    • Validate yourself. Don’t wait for someone else to do it.
    • Give yourself a pat on the back (literally — reach up and pat yourself on the shoulder).
    • Look in the mirror. Meet your eyes. Say, “You’re doing great. I love you. I really love you.”
    • Remember to hold your own heart tenderly.
    • Respond to your actions with compassion.

    Whew! Lots of great tools. All beneficial. Some more challenging than others. Especially for the recovering perfectionist.

    In a similar situation to the one above I recently stepped up and said, “This is not working and we need to discuss it.” Afterward, I came home feeling anxious because I knew I’d offended someone. The voices of dissent charged in and started their attack. I bought in for a while and started to beat myself up but then I took charge and used those tools of self-validation to calm myself down and celebrate the courage it took to speak up.

    Not everybody is going to like me. And that’s okay.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: Today I will give myself the validation I seek from others. Today I am good enough and I am loved enough because I give myself the love and compassion I need. I believe that I am worth it!

    Four…

    • September 17, 2010 9:38 am

    Dearest Readers,

    Nearby on my desk is a piece of paper that says, “Checklist of Required Materials”. It’s for an application to the Canadian Film Centre and I’ve been staring at it for weeks as I prepare my submission to one of their programs. After pondering the words for so long I started to wonder, “What if we had one of those for Life?”

    A Checklist of Required Materials for Living:

    • Food
    • Shelter
    • Sleep
    • Higher Guidance

    Yup, that’s it. Of course, there are a gazillion more things I could add but how many of them do I really need? The above list names the essentials, the required materials in my life. Vital. Necessary. Can’t do without. When regarded as such it really is a very short list.

    When life gets challenging I find it helpful to drop into this place of Knowing. I have everything I need. I am fed, I have a roof over my head, I am rested and there is a Powerful Source of Energy making it all happen. It keeps things very simple and it makes it easier to be thankful for everything else I do have on top of these basic essentials.

    So today’s Checklist for Required Living? Check, check, check and check.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: What do I really need to live peacefully? Today I will strip my needs down to the absolute essentials. The rest then becomes luxury and so I will practice thankfulness for the Abundance in my life.

    Five…

    • September 16, 2010 10:58 am

    Dearest Readers,

    Lately I’ve been encountering this idea of “the authentic self” in a number of situations and it’s got me thinking. What is it exactly? What does it really mean?

    The dictionary on this computer defines “authentic” as something “of undisputed origin; genuine.” Well, our origin is not undisputed that’s for sure. Whether you’re a creationist or a big bang theorist the subject can be argued ad infinitum. So what about “genuine”? How do we know if we are such a thing?

    Most of my life was spent trying to fit in. I desperately wanted you to like me and so I became a master chameleon. I was equally at ease at a cocktail party or a biker bash. Well, maybe at ease is pushing it. Let’s say I was performing a character as best as I could in order to feel accepted.

    When I hit my late-twenties I realized I didn’t really have any idea who I was. I had become a sort of invented persona, one of my own making, and I felt very, very lost. The last decade-plus has been about finding out who I am. Learning how to be genuine. Discovering the authenticity of my True Self.

    One of the most difficult parts of becoming who we really are is letting go of how we want other people to see us. That desire to be liked creates the People Pleaser and though the title might sound harmless, even noble, it really is anything but. The PP strips us of dignity. As we perform tasks to make other people love us we erode our own self-confidence. We become ghosts of who we really are.

    So after 10+ years on the Healing Path am I any closer to knowing my “authentic self”? What do I really know about who I am today? Well, I know I believe in a Loving Power that exists Back of All Things. I also know that that belief can falter. I know I feel of maximum use when I am helping others negotiate their way through their own healing journeys. And I know that sometimes I don’t feel equipped to do this kind of work.

    Some days I am certain. Others I am confused. Most often I am faithful. More often I am fearful.

    Conclusion: I am human. So human. So very, very human.

    The other day I blogged about seeing the Earth from far above and connecting to the idea that we are One Single Organism. And I so believe that this Oneness is truly the Essence of all that Is. So my authentic self is not only human, it is Divine as well.

    The human experience, the path toward truly understanding the Authentic Self, is the journey of walking in balance with these two parts of ourselves. Some days the balance is very good, other days not so much. But always, always, the Essence is there, simply there, awaiting our return.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: Today I will find my way back to Authenticity. I will seek the Divine Essence of who I am and land there, settle in and make a home.

    Six…

    • September 15, 2010 9:41 am

    Dearest Readers,

    What was the happiest moment of your life?

    An easy question to answer? Not for me. The question was put to me this morning and I found myself thinking back to one of my favourite comic strips in which Charlie Brown asks Lucy to to name one thing she likes about him and she says something along the lines of, “Wow. Gee. That’s a stumper. That’s a real poser all right. That’s a puzzle. That’s a real tough one…”

    She uses just about every synonym for “difficult question” that there is. I could find lots of things I like about poor good old, wishy washy Charlie Brown but I happen to feel the same way Lucy does about the question “What was the happiest moment of your life?” I can certainly think of lots of happy moments but the happiest? The pinnacle moment, the moment that surpasses all other things? That one really is a stumper.

    When I got accepted into the National Theatre School of Canada I was pretty happy. I’d been rejected twice before and I’ll never forget the phone call that came saying, “You’re in.” I was ecstatic. But could I call it the happiest moment of my life? I don’t know.

    Then there was the phone call asking me to write a play for the Stratford Festival of Canada. Again, I was over the moon. But I’m not sure the moment deserves the title of “happiest”.

    I’ve heard a number of women describe the birth of their first child as the happiest moment. I could certainly see that being true but I don’t happen to have a kid. I got to witness the birth of my older sister’s first baby this year and no doubt it will top her happiest list. I was extremely happy for her but it wasn’t the happiest moment of my life.

    If I took the time I could probably create a list of the happiest moments. There have been lots of them. Falling in love, receiving certain kinds of recognition, getting off the booze and the dope, climbing mountains, performing on stage, helping other people on the Healing Path. All moments, all happy. But the happiest? Like I said, this one is a true puzzler.

    Maybe my resistance is coming from a place of cynicism. What followed all of these happy moments was not necessarily all happiness. It was life. Challenges ensued. Lessons were learned. Growth took place. All of these elements didn’t take away from the happy moment itself but nevertheless preclude the “happiest” definition taking root.

    Perhaps I haven’t had my happiest moment yet. I like that idea. It’s kind of exciting to think that the happiest moment of my life hasn’t actually happened. Something to look forward to, yes?

    That Charlie Brown strip ended with Lucy walking off in the last panel with the synonyms for “impossible question to answer” trailing behind her. Picture me in the same way, still thinking, still wondering, still searching…

    Inspiring Message of the Day: To be happy means to be Present. When I am here, now, in my body, grounded in my life as it happens, there is no other happiness. What if the happiest moment of my life could occur over and over again throughout the day, each and every day because I am practicing True Presence? I will do my best to stay here today, in the happiness of Now.