• Choo-Choose

    • May 20, 2010 8:49 am

    Dearest Readers,

    One of the biggest challenges I have faced on the Healing Path has been embracing the role of the Chooser. This is partially related to the fear of making a decision, which I blogged about the other day but there’s slightly more to it than that.

    The expression “Be the Chooser” was first presented to me a couple of years ago when I was negotiating the tricky waters of a new relationship. My old way of thinking was telling me I had to wait for the other person to tell me where we stood. “Be the Chooser,” my friend said to me. “You decide where you stand. You say what you need.”

    It sounds simple but it felt like a radical concept. You mean I get to say, “This isn’t working for me and here’s why?”

    I find myself in a similar situation today (although the nature of the relationship is business) and, again, my (fear-based) instinct is to let the colleague have the floor. Open the conversation with, “So how do you think this is going so far? Is this working for you?”

    The problem is, if the person I’m asking is afraid to tell the truth, which, in this case, would probably sound something like, “No, this is not working for me,” then nothing is going to change. And as the ol’ saying goes, “If nothing changes, nothing changes.”

    I go back to waiting around for something to happen. Fear wins.

    If I decide to Be the Chooser everybody wins. All I have to do is take a deep breath, ask for Courage and say, “This isn’t working for me and here’s why. These are my needs. If you can’t meet them we need to part company.”

    All together now: Scary.

    Scary but effective. My needs get met, the colleague is given an easy out and Bob’s your uncle.

    All together now: Still scary!

    When I took the leap of Being the Chooser a couple of years ago with the person I was dating I thought I was going to vomit. It was so unfamiliar, so uncomfortable. But it also turned out to be incredibly rewarding. I did get my needs met. Sadly, the relationship also ended and that was painful but you know what? The pain was worth the sense of empowerment I gained by Being the Chooser.

    In a short time I’m going to take that deep breath, ask for Courage and have the crucial conversation with the business colleague. The outcome really depends upon my willingness to state my needs and make the choice to close the door because it ain’t working.

    Barf bag is nearby but I don’t think I’ll need it. That’s the great thing about walking through the fear. It gets easier every time.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: Am I in a situation where I am waiting for something to go wrong or for someone else to say, “This isn’t working,” so that I don’t have to take the action myself? If so, today I will Be the Chooser. I will state my needs and become willing to let go absolutely.

    Well Well

    • May 19, 2010 9:49 am

    Dearest Readers,

    T’is a miserable day, t’ank Gahd.

    When I lived in Ireland I would hear this expression, and others like it, often. The pious Irish will thank God for anything, even the dreariest of days. Well, it’s pretty dreary out there right now but you know what? We desperately need the rain.

    After heading out into the rain this morning to attend the Toastmasters meeting, I was paid a wonderful compliment by a man who said to me, “You’re looking very well.” This is a fine thing to hear at 8 o’clock in the morning but it went over in a particularly favourable way because I feel very well.

    Yesterday, however, and the day before, I was not feeling so hot. I was dealing with some creeping anxiety about the future and so I answered him by saying, “Thank you. I just made my way back to wellness after a couple of days of not-doing-so-well.”

    “Well,” this man replied, “Wellness is relative, isn’t it? Your state of not-so-well-being is likely very different from someone else’s.” He then gave an example of a person he is working with who is overweight and riddled with illness. My “unwellness”, some low-grade anxiety about heading on a two-month adventure across Canada and the US, when compared with the health of his client, suddenly seemed relatively minor.

    Now I’m not a big believer in comparing pain and troubles. My difficulties are just as valid as your difficulties, however different they may be. But this man’s comment did help to put things in their proper perspective for me. It was a good reminder to be grateful.

    How easy it is to forget what we have, how far we’ve come, how well we’re doing. Even if we’re not doing as well as we would like we still have the opportunity to put things in perspective by using the “it’s all relative” tool.

    This brings to mind the idea of a gratitude list. When things seem less-than-perfect we can ask ourselves, “What do I have to be grateful for?” Instead of obsessing about how my trip is going to turn out I can be thankful that I get to go on a trip in the first place.

    It’s a simple but effective way of turning the not-so-well into the well. T’ank Gahd.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: How can I turn my focus from the negative to the positive? Am I willing to be grateful for what I do have rather than what I do not? Today I will practice putting things into perspective by looking at all that is right in my life rather than what is wrong.

    To Be Or…

    • May 18, 2010 9:20 am

    Dearest Readers,

    One of the things I have a hugely difficult time doing is making decisions. Big or small, it doesn’t matter. I once stood in the linen section of the Superstore for what seemed like hours trying to decide what sheets to buy. It took me a whole year to buy a truck.

    When I do the deeper investigation into what’s behind my indecisiveness I discover, of course, fear. In this particular case, it is the fear of making a mistake.

    Making the wrong decision would lead to all kinds of bad consequences. This is what the fear tells me. But is this really true? Of course not.

    A few years ago I went on Silent Retreat and during that time was given the opportunity to work with a Spiritual Director. I had a big decision to make and I was struggling with it. This wonderful woman (who is my SD to this day) said, “Why don’t we talk through each option and see what the outcome is for both?”

    So we did that. I imagined “going left” and talked through that scenario until I came to some kind of conclusion and then I did the same for “going right.” What I discovered is that both options had consequences and rewards. Both options would bring challenges and gifts. This was a revelation.

    Knowing I couldn’t make a mistake, that either decision would be a learning experience, it then became a matter of deciding which consequences I was willing to live with. I still had to make a decision but I had more information and clarity with which to decide.

    Today, it can still take me ages to make a decision and I readily admit that there is that old fear wrapped up in my hesitation. But there is also a commitment to clarity inside my waiting. If my Intuition isn’t speaking loudly enough for me to hear it or if the options are too many or the situation too vague, I wait.

    This can be very inconvenient, especially if there are other people involved in the outcome. But this commitment to clarity assuages that old fear. It means I get to feel sure, safe and connected. This is important. These are my needs and I deserve to have them met.

    On the other hand, if I cannot make a mistake because either way I’m going to learn something, then “Make a decision already!” would be a perfectly appropriate thing to shout at me next time you see me standing for hours in an aisle at the Superstore.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: Despite my fear, today I am going to make a concrete decision about something. Big or small, I will decide and I will trust that the consequences and rewards of my decision are teaching tools from which I may learn.

    Bored is Boring

    • May 17, 2010 8:52 am

    Dearest Readers,

    The buds have burst and there is new green everywhere. The grey, brown and dark green landscape has been totally transformed. I keep looking outside and seeing these splashes of brightness made by the new growth and it’s thrilling. Spring is never boring in the Yukon.

    Speaking of boring, the other day I heard a guy say he was bored with life. “Every day the same thing, work, TV at night, go to the pool, big deal.” It was interesting to hear this perspective. It is so radically different from my own.

    In fact, I cannot actually remember the last time I was bored. What does it mean to be bored anyway? Let’s look it up. The dictionary on this computer describes it this way: “feeling weary because one is unoccupied or lacks interest in one’s current activity.”

    Ah. That is why I cannot remember what it means. I am constantly occupied and I do my best to take part in activities that interest me. Even when I am unoccupied I am not bored. Why? Because being alive is an ever-unfolding adventure of Mystery and Grace.

    There was a time in my life when I did not feel this way. I certainly knew boredom then. I knew depression, anger, restlessness, discontent. I was interested in very little except chasing the party and getting my own selfish needs met. Life seemed more like a slog to get through than an adventure.

    Thank goodness I woke up. Or, more aptly, I was woken up. I had what one might call a Spiritual Awakening. I came to believe that there was a Greater Purpose to my life (and to yours) and that together we are here to fulfill that Purpose, both individually and collectively. Once I got that, boredom has never, ever been an issue.

    Besides, how can one possibly be bored when she is surrounded by bursts and splashes of bright, new green?

    Inspiring Message of the Day: What is my Purpose? Do I even feel I have one? I will ask my Self this question and I will listen for the answer. Knowing this will ensure a life of satisfying and exciting adventure.

    Rumi Has It

    • May 15, 2010 10:36 am

    Dearest Readers,

    Rumi follows me around. Do you know Rumi? He was a 13th C Sufi mystic and a great poet of Love. The amazing thing about mystics is they do that. They follow us around.

    I don’t remember the first time I heard of Rumi but I remember at some point realizing that his words were being revealed to me in very particular circumstances most often when I needed to hear them the most.

    One time I was wrestling with whether I ought to leave the Yukon or stay here. A friend with whom I was speaking about this struggle decided a poem was in order. She pulled out her book of Rumi, picked one at random and began, “There is no need to go outside…”

    Hold on a sec. Outside is what Yukoners refer to as the rest of the world. I got my answer and I stayed.

    A man I know gave me a gift recently. It is a book of images and words created by his sister, now deceased. He didn’t give it to me to keep. He gave it to me to enjoy for a time and then return it back to him. It’s a powerful piece of this woman’s life, full of her passion and creativity.

    Last night I saw this man and told him I would be returning the book to him before I go away next month. We spoke about the work for a while and the different ways it had inspired us and I suddenly remembered I’d wanted to ask him if he knew the name of the author whose quote his sister had used on the book’s cover.

    He put his hand to his heart, indicating the power of the quote and what it means to him but he admitted he didn’t know the source. I said I would Google it when I got home, which is what I did. Yup. You guessed it. Rumi calling.

    Here it is:

    “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I’ll meet you there.”

    And here is the rest of the poem:

    “When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about. Ideas, language, even the phrase “each other” doesn’t make any sense.”

    A Mystic sees the world differently than the average person. Ever aware of the Big Picture, the Mystic seeks Union with the Divine in order to become a liaison between the human world and the Realm of the Spirit. A Mystic transcends time. Rumi was here in the 1200s but his work is still being done now.

    Thanks, Rumi. I sure appreciate the help!

    Inspiring Message of the Day:

    I died from minerality and became vegetable;

    And From vegetativeness I died and became animal.

    I died from animality and became man.

    Then why fear disappearance through death?

    Next time I shall die

    Bringing forth wings and feathers like angels;

    After that, soaring higher than angels –

    What you cannot imagine,

    I shall be that.

    ~ Jalāl ad-Dīn Muḥammad Rūmī (30 September 1207 – 17 December 1273)

    Yes I Am

    • May 14, 2010 9:55 am

    Dearest Readers,

    Here is the thing about personal growth: we have to be willing to accept that we have shortcomings and we have to be willing to change. This fact usually produces an “ugh” in most of us and a “la-la-la I can’t hear you” response complete with hands over the ears for maximum effect. But if one is seeking Peace one must be willing to look within at the good, the bad and the ugly.

    As some of you know, I’m heading on the road in a few weeks for a lengthy stint of travel. The cat needs a sitter and so I put the word out on a local Listserv and received a number of responses. Even on the best of days I am overwhelmed by e-mail. I feel like Newman, Jerry’s enemy on Seinfeld, the postal worker who, when explaining why workers sometimes go “postal” speaks about the never-ending influx of mail.

    That overwhelm means that sometimes my responses are going to come across as curt, or short and, apparently, arrogant. Yesterday I received an email response from a woman I’ve never met, a potential cat-sitter,  to whom I sent a message basically saying “thanks but no thanks.” Her message?

    “Thanks for your arrogant reply.”

    Arrogance? Yes, I have it. I’m the first to admit it. But when someone else points it out, well, it doesn’t feel so good. I have to say I was pretty shocked.

    Of course my first response was to be hurt, then to be angry, then I thought of all the rude things I could write back. Then I did the icky work. The work no one really likes to do. I took responsibility for my actions.

    According to the dictionary on this computer, arrogance means “an exaggerated sense of one’s own importance or abilities.” What it doesn’t say is that arrogance usually comes from fear. My own arrogance has been bred by my insecurity. My deep inferiority complex actually created  the opposite behaviour in me. I became an ego-maniac.

    The good news is once I admitted the shortcoming I could then begin to change and be changed. Until I could see the problem there was no solution.

    So I sent a reply to that woman who called me arrogant. I told her my response likely came across the way it did because I am a little overwhelmed at the moment and then I asked her for a re-do. I re-wrote her a message, taking the time to thank her for her offer, explaining that I’d found someone else and wishing her all the best.

    Humbling, yes. More than I owed her, perhaps. The Path to Peace, absolutely.

    And she wrote me back and thanked me.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: When I clean up my side of the street I am giving my Self the gift of freedom from fear and shame.

    Relax Don’t Do It

    • May 13, 2010 9:46 am

    Dearest Readers,

    The to-do list is a mile long, I’m heading on the road in 24 days for 2 months, I’m performing a show tonight and my brain is hyper-active and thinking non-stop. So guess what Grace Cards I pulled yesterday?

    PEACE. REST. RELAX.

    You gotta be kidding me.

    Well, it was tremendously difficult to let go of all that I had to do but I did it. I listened. I cancelled a meeting, turned off the computer, took a nap, and every time I started to think I consciously told myself to “relax”.

    Of course, upon waking today, the overwhelming feeling is now one of high anxiety. I’m a day behind, how am I ever going to get everything done, I have to catch up, I have to do, do, do.

    No. Wrong. Uh-uh.

    The “relax” part can stay in place.  If I’ve learned anything it’s that the world is not going to fall apart if I don’t answer  my email. I’ve also learned that worrying has never made anything happen more quickly or more smoothly. Anxiety does not solve problems it creates them.

    So, seeking further Guidance I pulled the cards again this morning:

    SURPRISE. CONNECT. ACT.

    I like first one. It reminds me to keep my eyes and my ears open for the spiritual messages. The second one is good, too. Connecting with people and with Higher Guidance and with my Self will make this day one that is full of meaning. It’s the third one I’m not so sure about.

    Here is what it says on the back of the ACT card:

    “Charge forward. When we combine action with unwavering faith, the power of grace will meet our needs.”

    Yikes! Charge forward. At this point, if I start charging forward without relaxation I might find myself running head-first into a brick wall. I think I’d better do a re-write. How about this:

    Charge forward and relax about it.

    Ahhh. That’s better.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: Today I will seek balance. I will take action but I will let go. I will move forward while staying present. I will trust that Higher Guidance is directing the show despite my overwhelming desire to run it myself.

    The Art of Self-Care

    • May 12, 2010 10:47 am

    Dearest Readers,

    A recent conversation with a friend about boundaries plus an article in Psychology Today called The Good Guy Contract by Alex Lickerman, MD, (given to me by another friend) have both reminded me how far I’ve come in the relationships department. Learning to put my needs first, letting go of wanting you to like me and trusting that it’s not my job to run your life have all been challenging but rewarding transformations. Not to mention small miracles!

    The Old BS (belief system) tells me that I’m not important enough and that your approval will make me okay. It tells me that I know what’s best for you. Scary but true. What I had to do in order to change this kind of thinking was look at the underlying fear.

    What am I really afraid of? What is truly driving this kind of self-seeking behaviour?

    Here’s where it gets tricky. How is people-pleasing self-seeking? Aren’t I thinking of the other person more than I am of myself? Not really. There is a difference between selfless service, which is performed with no thought of reward or recognition and action taken from a place of need or control. That’s where the fear comes in.

    I’m afraid I’ll never be recognized. I’m afraid of being disliked. I’m afraid you’re going to get hurt or sick or die so I’ve got to worry about you or take care of you or tell you what to do. I’m afraid of being alone. I’m afraid of dying.

    All of these fears are valid. We’re human, period. But which one of these fears is driving my bus? Which one of them is making my life unmanageable? If I can answer this question honestly I can begin to change and to be changed, and I can start to practice a new behaviour.

    A few days ago I was asked by a woman to “go for coffee.” About a week before that she had asked me if I would help her with a personal issue. I said I would and I gave her some “spiritual homework” do to. Her desire to go for coffee was really just procrastinating the homework. So I said no.

    I could have said yes. After all, it’s just coffee. What’s an hour or two of listening to this woman talk about her problems? I can do that. I’m generous. I’m kind. She needs someone to talk to. I’m a good person!

    No. I’m not. If I’m putting her needs before my own I am a sick person. I am a co-dependent. I am unable to accept that I am important enough to come first. My insecurity is driving the bus. I am afraid that she will be disappointed. My caretaker is driving the bus. I am afraid of feeling the discomfort of saying “no”. My fear is driving the bus, period.

    “I’ve given you your next steps. When you’ve completed them call me. We’ll get together and you can share your progress with me. That is what I can give you. That is what I have time for. That was our agreement.”

    Ouch. Hopefully I did it with a little more compassion. As Alex Lickerman wrote in the aforementioned article, “My best friend came to me asking me why I had become such a jerk to all my friends.”

    Yup, we have to be willing to lose some of our popularity if we are going to practice putting our needs first. But like an old friend of mine always says, “We can’t save our face and our arse at the same time.”

    Inspiring Message of the Day: Am I putting my needs first? If not, why not? What is the underlying fear? I am now willing to answer this question so that I may begin to learn to practice the Art of Self-Care.

    Please let me know your thoughts about GITA!

    • May 11, 2010 9:11 am

    Celia welcomes your comments about GITA: God in the Army.

    From an audience member at Nakai’s Homegrown Festival May 11, 13, 15, 2010:

    “Very powerful and real; was a great medium for verbalizing my feelings about war since I never seem to find the right words to express – thank you.”

    Back to GITA page for photos, YouTube interview and synopsis.

    Mystical Love

    • May 11, 2010 8:55 am

    Dearest Readers,

    Yesterday I was at the CBC here in Whitehorse waiting to go into the studio with a couple of other artists for an interview about Nakai’s Homegrown Festival, in which I am performing this week. One of the fellows with me had heard about GITA: God in the Army, the show I’m doing, and asked me, “Are you religious, like Christian?”

    Faster than a jack rabbit, I said, “No.” Immediately I regretted it. We went into the studio, did the interview and parted ways.

    Later, upon reflection, I wished I’d responded differently. If given the chance again I would have said, “No, but I’d like to qualify that.”

    There’s an expression about the difference between religion and spirituality that goes like this: Religion is for those who believe in Hell, Spirituality is for those who have been there.

    The latter category fits me like a tailored suit and yet I do go to church. I don’t go all the time and I’m not a member of any particular church, in fact, I’ll go to pretty much any church for the experience, but I do attend religious services. Does that make me religious? Some would say yes. I say no.

    I don’t believe in the Immaculate Conception or the Resurrection and those two things are pretty much the necessary requirements for being a Christian. I believe them to be stories, metaphors created by the followers of Jesus in the years after his death in order to come to grips with who he was, what happened to him, and the message he left behind.

    This belief has come to me because I’ve done a lot of reading about “the historical Jesus”. The historical Jesus refers to the Jewish Mystic that he was and to the facts of his life that can be historically proven. It’s fascinating information but frustrating, even terrifying, because most of the Christian world has moved so far away from the historical message.

    What is the historical message? It’s pretty simple: Love one another. Where does that message come from? According to historical scholars like John Crossan and Marcus Borg, it comes from Jesus’ Experience of Being. To Be Alive is to Dwell in the Experience of God. Or, if “God” makes you feel too religious, call it something else. Higher Guidance. Or The Life Force Energy of the Universe. Or Love Itself.

    So if you ask me if I’m religious or Christian you’re going to get a pretty long answer. Like the saying goes: It’s complicated. But the core of both question and answer is rooted in simplicity: Let Love Rule.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: Why is it so difficult to love one another? Could I keep it simple today and practice this very clear directive? I will do my best.