• I Do

    • June 1, 2010 10:14 am

    Dearest Readers,

    Today is my parents’ 42nd wedding anniversary. This, quite frankly, amazes me. The longest committed relationship I’ve been in lasted one year. Another, which I would call semi-committed, lasted about two. A handful of others lasted months or weeks or days. Several lasted years with no commitment. Most were dysfunctional.

    Despite the fact that I have parents who are still together after 42 years my opinion of marriage is rather spiritless. I don’t believe in it and I don’t not believe in it. If you want to get married, great! If you don’t, great! Personally, I have no desire to get married and doubt I ever will. But who knows? Things change and people change and I’ve been known to be wrong (on one or two occasions).

    My parents have been close to splitting many times over the course of their four-decade-long relationship. Every time they have been on the verge of a split the two of them work it out, sometimes with help and sometimes not. They move through the difficulties, re-commit to the vows and stay together.

    I’ve heard that half of all marriages end in divorce. Not exactly true. The following quote was found after Googling “divorce rate canada”:

    “The latest estimates from Statistics Canada in 2008 suggest that 38 per cent of married couples in Canada will divorce by their 30th wedding anniversary (divorce beyond that point is rare). The percentages range from 22 per cent in Newfoundland and Labrador to 48 per cent in Quebec. In the U.S., the figure is 44 per cent.”

    I knew a couple who separated after 3 months of marriage. I know quite a few couples who split after only 2 or 3 years of marriage. It’s difficult to understand. But it’s also just as baffling to see people staying together for years who are clearly not having a good time in the relationship.

    Being single is not always easy but I must admit that I enjoy it immensely. I’ve had to work out a lot of relationship issues over the years and sometimes wonder if I’m still single because the old fear of intimacy is winning the day or if I truly am most content as an independent. For today, it’s the latter.

    To my parents on this day, however, I offer congratulations and salutations. For sticking it out through thick and thin, for believing in the vows and each other, for the loving and the not-so-loving times that you have shared with us, your family, conveying with true humanity the un-pretty reality of the long-term commitment: it’s work, kids.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: Today I will celebrate the relationships in my life and appreciate the work that it has taken to maintain them. I will open to receive intimacy and I will stand firm in my independence. I do!

    Joy to the World

    • May 31, 2010 9:27 am

    Dearest Readers,

    Today, May 31st, is a special day in my life. Exactly eleven years ago today I began to walk the Healing Path. I made a decision that day to let go of My Way (sorry, Frank Sinatra) and instead follow the Higher Way. It’s been an absolutely amazing adventure.

    If you will indulge me, I will share with you some things for which I am grateful today. It seems the most appropriate way to give thanks for all I have been given over the years and in very recent days, too.

    • To the six brave souls who attended Cultivate Your Courage in Whitehorse on the 29th. Thank you for coming and for sharing your fears and your willingness to walk through them with me.
    • To the two women who first helped me find a way to stop using drugs and alcohol and to all those who have supported me in staying stopped. Eleven years!
    • To the Mama Duck and her wee little ducklin’s I saw over the weekend, first crossing the road on Saturday and then swimming in the river on Sunday. You were so attentive to them, so protective, looking behind you every few seconds, checking on them, making sure they were okay. You reminded me that the essence of our Nature is Love.
    • To the teachers, mentors, sponsors, coaches, counsellors, spiritual directors, family and friends who have supported and encouraged me to continue growing into my fullest potential by becoming whole and free of shame.
    • To the cat I live with who wakes me each morning with his mournful cries, making me crazy/angry and thereby teaching me compassion. By asking me for love you have grown it out of me. You, little monkey-cat, are the reason I started this blog. You get the credit.
    • To the Loving Power of Higher Guidance, which continues to reveal Itself to me each day as a Force that has my back, works for my Highest Good, shows me how to live the life I am supposed to be living and provides me with all that I need in every single moment of each day that I am Alive.
    • To you, present and future Readers, for being there and for supporting and appreciating this work. You inspire me to inspire you.

    My heart is really full of Love today. Thanks, everyone.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: What do I have to be grateful for? Today I will take the time to write a list no matter how I might be feeling. When I look at what I have instead of what I do not I find freedom from want.

    The Gift of Fear

    • May 29, 2010 8:05 am

    Dearest Readers,

    Today I am leading the Cultivate Your Courage Workshop and I am full of anxiety. The good news is I now have something to teach.

    When I took the Sivananda Yoga Teachers’ Training Course I learned a valuable lesson: Don’t teach what you don’t know. Quite simply, that means teach only what you do know. I know fear.

    The “Teach What you Know” lesson was driven home to me a couple of years ago when I was first developing Cultivate Your Courage, which at that time was called Walk Through Your Fear (you’d be amazed how many people would rather do the former). After feeling really confident about leading the workshop for the first time I was suddenly seized by debilitating fear.

    Who did I think I was? What right did I have to lead this kind of workshop? What were people going to think of me doing something like this? What if I failed miserably?

    As I shared all of this with a friend she said, “Celia, don’t you think it’s just a little bit funny that you are going to lead a workshop called Walk Through Your Fear and you are terrified to do it?”

    Oh, yeah. I guess it is a little bit funny. Ha-ha.

    “Now you can teach what you know,” she continued. “Now you have something to give.”

    Boy, was she right. And that’s what I did. I went in there and I said, “I’m absolutely terrified to be here. But I’m here. And I refuse to let the fear win.” This is how we cultivate courage. We walk through the fear.

    So here I am with another workshop ahead of me. I’ve now led quite a few and they have all been very successful. The experience is truly powerful for all of us, teacher and student alike. Nevertheless, the fear is back.

    It’s not crippling me, this fear. It’s not defeating me. No. On the contrary. It’s giving me something to teach.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: I will walk through my fear today knowing that I am cultivating courage by doing so. I will trust that in some strange way the fear is a gift, prodding me to move forward into Trust.

    Post 509

    • May 28, 2010 9:33 am

    Dearest Readers,

    A valuable piece of knowing was given to me yesterday in the counseling session at Hospice Yukon. It has created an opening in my way of thinking. A fissure of new understanding.

    One of the things I have been struggling with is the “right to grieve”. Leanne and I were close over 20 years ago. Our contact since then has been minimal. Am I really allowed to mourn? It sounds crazy but I have been wondering about these things.

    The counsellor said something like this in response to my question:

    Your depth of grief over a person’s death is directly connected to how deeply you loved her/him. That is all.

    This simple and beautiful statement gave me permission to feel whatever it is I am feeling with total freedom.

    I will carry this little piece of wisdom with me always. Thank-you Anthony!

    Inspiring Message of the Day: When we love deeply we risk having to grieve deeply. It would be safer never to risk that love and so avoid the pain. But living life to its fullest involves embracing both these aspects of Being. Like conjoined twins, joy and grief are inseparable mates.

    Hear(t)

    • May 27, 2010 8:31 am

    Dearest Readers,

    As some of you may recall, my friend Leanne died a month ago. It’s hard to believe that much time has already gone by. Zoom! I have thought of her many times, prayed for her and her family, remembered her laugh.

    Shortly after Leanne died I made an appointment with Hospice Yukon. They provide free counseling for those who have experienced loss and I decided to take advantage of it. Their counsellor was away and so the appointment was made for weeks later. That day has come.

    Already I’ve been planning what I’m going to say. Already I’ve been wondering if I really need to go. If I were to listen to the voices in my head I would have canceled the appointment long ago.

    Thank goodness I’ve stopped listening to those voices! When I first went into Hospice the lovely and kind receptionist gave me a little red heart; a tiny cushion with rudimentary stitches crookedly holding it together. It came with a little slip of paper that said, “A reminder to hold our own hearts tenderly.”

    How I need this reminder! I’m keeping this appointment today because I need to hold my own heart tenderly. I need to remember that there is grief to be expressed. I need to allow myself to be supported, encouraged and heard.

    It’s tempting to think, “I’m fine. I don’t need any help. I’ve grieved enough.” Feeling our feelings happens to be one of the most terrifying things out there. But if I can give myself permission to connect to my heart then I allow my deepest feelings to be felt. I honour them, I honour me.

    And I honour Leanne.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: Do I have someone with whom I can share my deepest feelings? Someone who will hear the expression of my heart without judgment and with total compassion? I will seek out that person and give myself permission to feel my feelings and to be heard.

    Or Not To Be…

    • May 26, 2010 11:50 am

    Dearest Readers,

    One of the challenging things about writing a blog six days a week is that I run into the danger of repeating myself. Perhaps danger is too strong a word. Perhaps not. Good writers do not enjoy repeating themselves. Good writers do not enjoy repeating themselves.

    At the risk of posting something I’ve posted before I’m going to back to the topic of making decisions. It’s a major theme in my life lately so I guess it can’t be avoided. There is big learning going on here.

    What I continue to know about myself is that I need absolute clarity before I can say “yes” to something. The fear that this brings up is generally connected to what other people are going to think about me and my process. It’s not convenient. It appears wishy-washy. It seems extravagant or excessive.

    In reality, waiting for clarity is honouring my Highest Good. When I give myself permission to wait I am affirming my trust in the Higher Plan for my life.

    Today I am in the process of producing a feature film. It’s a big job and it has already been many years in development. There are decisions I need to make presently, which will affect the next few years of my life. Obviously this is not easy.

    What happens is that the discomfort of not knowing creates huge temptation in me to get the decision over with so I can strike it off the list and move on. Get rid of the anxiety. But past experience is telling me to wait.

    “When in doubt, don’t,” someone said to me recently. Be patient. Wait. More will be revealed. Trust.

    It’s taking all the courage I have to follow Guidance on this one. Sitting with the uncomfortable feelings is not my idea of a good time. But I do trust Intuition. It has never, ever let me down before whereas my impatience has. So has my desire to control the situation. Neither of these qualities has ever brought me to Peace.

    Hopefully you’re not getting tired of this line of discussion, dear Reader. You’re certainly helping me work through the process. I’ll be happy knowing it’s helping you, too.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: Until I have real clarity about a decision I will continue to wait. I will practice patience, trusting the Path will make itself known to me at just the right time leading to the perfect outcome.

    Stay in the Game

    • May 25, 2010 11:27 am

    Dearest Readers,

    “I am dry, dry, dry.”

    This quote, from a scene I co-wrote with a girlfriend way back when I was in theatre school, keeps running through my head as I sit here searching for inspiration. Nothing is coming but that refrain.

    “I am dry, dry, dry.”

    The scene came out of an exercise in writing class. We got into pairs and started improvising dialogue. The gal I was paired with was a good friend. We immediately took on characters with Southern accents. Suddenly she was Delores and I was Sugar.

    Delores: There ain’t nobody in my life. I am dry. Dry.Dry.

    Sugar: That’s just an excuse.

    Delores: Honey, I’m talking in facts. It’s that simple. I’m all dried up. Dry as a bone and there ain’t no well in sight.

    Okay, my memory isn’t that good. I had to go and find the scene in my files. The pages are a little yellow at the edges and the ink is fading from the passage of time but those gals are still talkin’. It’s been sixteen years.

    What’s a writer to do when she’s dry as a bone with no well in sight? What has she to offer?

    Let’s try a little bit more Sugar…

    Sugar: You know what I used to do when I was younger? I’d open up the cupboard and inside we had one of them spinnin’ shelves you know like a… Lazy Susan? And I used to spin it around like I was spinnin’ for that big orange dollar on The Price is Right. If it stopped facin’ the way it started I felt like I’d won the big prize.

    From here Delores and Sugar go on to talk about aging.

    Delores: Don’t you wish you could hide it? I mean honestly.

    Sugar: No, I don’t. I was taught to be proud of growin’ old. It don’t scare me none.

    Delores: Not even a tiny eeny weeny bitty bit?

    Sugar: Lookin’ old just don’t come into it for me. And you won’t see me at Johnson’s Drug Store lookin’ for a miracle cure to make me look the age I was when I was the most messed up.

    Delores: You won’t see me there either. It doesn’t mean I don’t feel the effects. The fear. I mean, I’m strong. I’m not gonna buy into no market thing. I buy that growin’ old with dignity shit, too. But it don’t mean it don’t scare me though.

    Sugar: You’re right. You’re much better at admittin’ yer fears than I am, Delores.

    Delores: I’ve just had three more beers than you, honey.

    It’s funny for me to read this now. Even way back then the characters I created had trouble admitting they were afraid. To see how far I’ve come in this area you can listen to a new speech on facing fear that I just posted on YouTube. Make sure to watch Part Two as well.

    Hurrah! The dry well has water in it. Sometimes we just have to dig a little deeper to get at it.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: When I am feeling uninspired I will stay in the game, I will keep moving forward, I will trust that inspiration will come. One more step, one more sentence, one more moment may just bring me to the flowing spring.

    Victorious

    • May 24, 2010 10:43 am

    Dearest Readers,

    It is Victoria Day today in Canada. Shops and banks are closed but the campgrounds are officially back open for the summer tourist season. The streets are quiet and that holiday feeling hangs in the air. I am tempted to go back to bed. Perhaps I will but before I do (or don’t) I’d like to to look at why we take this day off.

    Victoria Day weekend is often called May Two-Four weekend because it always falls on the weekend closest to May 24th, Victoria’s birthday. It is also called May 2-4 because it is a big drinking weekend and a case of beer is AKA “the 2-4”.

    Partying aside, this day is tied to history. Or perhaps I should say herstory. Whatever you think of the British monarchy, this woman was sure somethin’.

    Here are a few facts about Queen Victoria (all from Wikipedia) that I find particularly inspiring:

    • Victoria’s reign as the Queen lasted 63 years and 7 months, longer than that of any other British monarch before or since, and her reign is the longest of any female monarch in history.
    • During Victoria’s reign the expansion of the British Empire reached its zenith and became the foremost global power of the time.
    • By arranging marriages for her 9 children and 42 grandchildren across the continent, she effectively managed to tie Europe together.

    These are formidable facts considering Victoria was a mere girl of eighteen when she ascended to the throne. Talk about walking through your fear!

    I’ve never really paid attention to the woman behind the long weekend before. Today I feel rather in awe of Queen Victoria and her accomplishments and I think we ought to add one more item to her list: she gives millions of people a day off work every single year without any real acknowledgement.

    Thanks, Vic!

    Inspiring Message of the Day: Imagine being 18 years old and asked to rule a country and its people. What kind of courage would that take? What kind of faith? Today I will walk through my own fears knowing that others have done so in far greater ways than I can even fathom.

    Mountain Moves

    • May 22, 2010 10:31 am

    Dearest Readers,

    It probably sounds weird for a self-employed person to say, “I took the afternoon off,” because one imagines that the lifestyle of the self-employed is pretty much “off” to begin with. Kind of like being retired. Our time is our own. Freedom from the punch-card etc. Not entirely so.

    It is still possible to be a self-employed workaholic. I’ve had to learn to take time off, to stop working late until in the evenings, to turn off the computer on Sundays. And these have all been good lessons. Discovering relaxation and rest and coming to believe I deserve these things have all been the rewards of this big change in my life.

    At the beginning of this past week I received an email invitation to go for a hike with a some great gals. I skimmed the message and then ignored it, knowing I simply couldn’t take the time.

    Yesterday, the day the hike was to take place, I taught a yoga class in the morning and a couple of the students also happened to be the hikers. I asked about the hike before starting the class remembering that they would be going out some time that day. I still thought, “Too bad I can’t take the time.”

    At the end of the class, while lying in savasana, I heard the Still Small Voice. It took a while for me to hear it but it soon became clear.

    Go to the mountain.

    At the end of the class I asked them if the invitation still stood. Of course it did. They were delighted I’d be joining them. I felt liberated! I packed a lunch and off we went.

    Halfway up the mountain road I spotted a Mama Grizzly and her cub. Right away I knew I was exactly where I was supposed to be. Bears and me, well, we have a history. They have a way of showing up in my life and I take their presence as the Higher Power giving me a little wave. “Hi, Celia. I’m here. Glad you’re paying attention.”

    It was a marvelous afternoon. The sun shone through the clouds and the vistas from the ridge were out of this world. At the summit, we baked on the rocks and enjoyed each other’s company. I said, “Is there anything better than this?” One gal replied, “Not really.” And we laughed and laughed. Not so much because it was funny but because it was true.

    So I took the afternoon off. Nothing bad happened. The world didn’t end. In fact, it continued on just as it always has and always will. I only think I have to work hard. I only think there’s no time. Time to stop thinking so much. Time to follow the Great Bear Way.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: Today I will take the time to get quiet and listen for Guidance. There may be something I need to hear. Something like a Gift.

    Good For You

    • May 21, 2010 9:48 am

    Dearest Readers,

    If you read yesterday’s blog you’ll know that I spent some of the morning having one of those crucial conversations that requires great courage. It wasn’t easy and it wasn’t comfortable but I did it and feel good about the outcome.

    About ten years ago I read a book called Living in the Light by Shakti Gawain. It was probably the first “personal growth” book I’d ever read and it had a profound impact on my life. Shakti talks a lot about Energy and how it works and how we can work with It. She’s very practical and down-to-earth and her ideas and practice resonate with me to this day.

    One of the things I remember from Shakti’s book is the idea that if I am doing something for my Highest Good it will then be for the Highest Good of all concerned. At the time, my people-pleasing skills were at their peak and my sense of Self was at its lowest. This idea was almost too radical to comprehend.

    Essentially, this new way of thinking meant I no longer had to make decisions and choices based on what I thought was best for other people. If I chose the path of my Highest Good, everyone else would be taken care of and I did not have to worry.

    I did, however, have to do a great deal of letting go. I had to learn how to trust and I had to learn how to keep an open mind about what “Highest Good” could mean.

    For example, I was caring for two small children at the time. The job was suffocating me. I knew quitting would be the most direct path to my Highest Good but I would be leaving their mother in the lurch. She needed me. How would abandoning my post be for her Highest Good?

    Guess what? Not my department. So this is where the Trust comes in. If I try to figure that part out I’m playing God. I will never take the leap. I’ll stay put because I can’t see the outcome and therefore can’t let go.

    Admittedly, it helps me to at least try to figure it out. “Maybe if I quit the mother will realize she needs to stay home and spend more time with her kids. Or the out-of-work nanny who is desperate for a job gets hired in my place. Or the the kids jump for joy because the bossy, cranky babysitter is gone.” If I can’t know what everyone else’s Highest Good is it still feels okay to do a little bit of guess work for reassurance.

    So when I ended that professional relationship yesterday I relied on this new way of thinking to get me through. “I’m doing this for my Highest Good. I cannot see the outcome but I trust that it will be for the Highest Good of all concerned.” It made the task much more palatable and I felt supported and calm.

    Of course, the people-pleaser balks. Cruel! Heartless! Selfish! But the people-pleaser is a controlling, fearful, worry-wart and she must be given another job. She is no longer allowed to make decisions. She is allowed to observe and learn and watch for opportunities to be of service. That’s it.

    Thank-you, Shakti!

    Inspiring Message of the Day: Today I will do my best to trust that the Energy of the Universe is benevolent. When something seems difficult or challenging I will trust that there exists behind it a Positive Outcome I cannot yet see.